


The Essence of You

by yeetbean



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Bella is a clumsy vampire, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Most of this is plot, Multi, Smut, fuck what are tags, god no wonder people have a hard time tagging fics, there is a single sex scene thats it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:34:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24713917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeetbean/pseuds/yeetbean
Summary: Alice has always been more willing to give Bella what she wants. Who cares about the opinion of a boy you've been dating for under two weeks when you can be immortal? Bella finds there's a lot more freedom in being a vampire than she expected, and there's more than just Edward willing to help her through the process.AU starts when James calls Bella, because Alice SHOULD have heard him on the phone.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Bella Swan, Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale/Bella Swan, Jasper Hale/Bella Swan
Comments: 94
Kudos: 546





	1. The Journey to New York

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first fic in this fandom, but I've been writing for years. This fic is complete, and will total seven chapters, at about 40k words. Not sure of a posting schedule. It will be weekly at the latest, but if it gets lots of attention, I might post more frequently. Thanks. :3 Come yell at me on tumblr @efffervescent-hoe

"The phone goes there," I whisper, pointing. Two pairs of eternal eyes stare at me. "That's my mother's house."

Alice was already off the couch, phone in hand, dialing. I stared at the precise rendering of my mother's family room. Uncharacteristically, Jasper slid closer to me. He lightly touched his hand to my shoulder, and the physical contact seemed to make his calming influence stronger. The panic stayed dull, unfocused. It gave me room to think, the wheels in my head turning with plans and ideas, only if Alice agrees.

Her lips were trembling with the speed of her words, the low buzzing impossible to decipher. My thoughts scatter with the sound, not that they were very organized in the first place. The Panic is too all encompassing for that.

"Bella, Edward is coming to get you. He, Emmett, and Carlisle are going to take you somewhere, to hide you for a while. Jasper and I are going to stay until it's clear your mother is safe." Her voice is sympathetic, but still hard with the desire to protect me. This is my only chance to ask, and I know Jasper can feel my nerves building.

"Alice, can I ask you something? Alone?" Another calming wave of energy crashes over me, and I fight to keep my head clear. They share a look. "Please?" Alice gives in, walking to the bedroom of the hotel with me.

"Will you change me?" I steel my voice, being as direct as possible to convey my sincerity. Her eyes go blank for only a moment before she looks at me. I wish I knew what she saw.

"Bella. You're going to become a vampire whether I do this or not. Are you sure you're ready? What about Charlie? Your mother? Are you willing to leave it all behind to live forever?" She didn't even need an answer from me as a vision hit her, showing the truth of my feelings better than I would be able to explain them.

"Bella, I- '' She's interrupted by the phone ringing, my mother's number flashing on the screen. I give her an apologetic look before answering. I half-expect her to leave when she hears the panicked voice on the other end, but she doesn't.

"Mom, please calm down. I'm okay. Just give me a minute to explain." It’s quiet on the other end, and I pause. "Mom?"

"Be very careful not to say anything until I tell you to." The voice on the other end is smooth, and easily recognizable as James'. Alice meets my eye, but I hold my finger up. If he had Renee… Maybe she wouldn't have a choice but to turn me.

"Now, I don't need to hurt your mother, so please do exactly as I say, and she'll be fine." He pauses for a moment, letting it sink in. Alice has already silently left the room, still listening, but informing jasper. "Very good. Now, repeat after me: No mom, please stay where you are."

"Mom, no. Please stay there." I was somehow able to fill my voice with the same amount of exasperation talking to Renee usually fills me with. Alice silently sits next to me, bringing Jasper with her to make this easier.

"Very Natural. You're doing great. Are you alone? Yes or no."

"Yes." It comes out more convincing than I expect, probably due to Jasper's influence.

"Perfect, but I expect they can hear you. Say: Mom, please listen to me."

“ Mom, please listen to me."

"This worked out better than I expected. I was prepared to wait, but Renee arrived ahead of schedule." Hearing my mother's name from his mouth fills me with a rage that Jasper cringes away from slightly. "It's easier this way, isn't it? Less suspense, less anxiety for you. Now I want you to listen very carefully. I need you to get away from your friends, can you do that? Yes or no."

I glance at Alice and she nods, silently urging me to say whatever I need to get more information. "Yes."

"I'm sure it won't be easy, but if I get the slightest hint you have company, that would be very bad for your mother. I'm sure you don't need details. You know enough about vampires to realize how quickly I'd find out if you tried. And how little time I would need to deal with your mother is that was the case. Do you understand? Yes or no."

"Yes." My voice threatens to tremble, but Alice and Jasper’s presence keeps me steady.

"Very good. Here's what I want you to do. Go to your mother's house. Next to the phone there will be a number. Call it, and I'll tell you where to go from there. Before noon please. I haven't got all day." His tone is polite. "It's important your friends aren't suspicious. Say Thank you mom. Now."

"Thank you, Mom." I try to inject relief into my tone. It might have worked. I can’t tell past the hollowness in my chest.

"Say, I love you Mom, I'll see you soon. Then I want you to hang up and go tell your friends that your mom is okay, and staying in Florida as convincingly as possible."

"I love you, Mom. I'll see you soon." Hopelessness was creeping into my tone, but no sooner had I said the words did Alice hang up, and call Carlisle. Her words blur together, too fast for me to decipher. They cut off as she listens and her eyes glaze over yet again, but only briefly. She lets out a relieved sigh, and hangs up the phone.

"New plan. Also, something just changed for your mother. I don't think she's actually there. Are there any home videos or recordings in her house he could've used to trick you? I can't tell clearly, but it's a chance we have to take." Her words are still almost too fast, in the rush of everything.

"I- uh, yeah. She never gets rid of anything. What's going on?" Jasper is packing things up as I speak, moving too quickly for me to follow.

"We think James is trying to set you up, and if your mother isn't home, then we could take you to a safe location directly. Edward will be here tomorrow morning on the flight. He could sneak close enough to read James' thoughts and determine if your mother is actually in any danger. We can't risk your safety. I know you'd die on that ballet studio floor if given the chance to save her, but we can't let you. I can't let you. If she is, which I doubt, then you'll have to let us handle it." Her face is serious, and I nod, thinking through the plan.

"If I'm going to a safe, non-Phoenix location, what will Charlie know? Will he? How long can we hide this from either of them, and how long will I have to?"

"There's a good chance that when you don't call James, he'll know something is up and take off. I don't know how long it would take for Edward and Emmett to catch him, and take care of him. But you would be stuck with me and Jasper until that point. Sunshine would slow their finding him down further, at least tomorrow. They're still coming here, but we can't stay." Alice is pacing in front of me, deep in thought, like she’s calculating.

Everything has changed in the blink of an eye. I know that what I've asked for will be put off, but maybe this will be more incentive to change me. Even if I won't be able to defend myself for a while, I'll be much less breakable. Much more capable. “Where are we going?” It’s the only thing on my mind.

“ New York. It's much further than he probably expects us to go, and we already have a house. We might end up stopping in a Midwestern state, but I'm not sure yet.” Alice is ushering me out the door, under the cover of night. “Maybe it'd be best if you don't step foot out here.” She scoops me up with no warning, and within seconds Jasper is pulling out of the hotel driveway.

“ Alright, so run through the plan with me once more. We go fuck off to the Midwest or New York somewhere, and they just … hunt James? Do you have any idea what I tell Charlie, or worse, Renee when they ask? Oh, sorry dad, just taking a quick pop to fucking New York to go be an angsty teen. A dude is kind of trying to kill me, but please don't worry about me. I'll be home at some point.” Or maybe I won't, but I can't say that.

“ You're the one who wanted to be turned ten minutes ago. You can't go back to Charlie after that. Not unless you can pretend to be a corpse long enough to fool both of them.” Alice's words sting, but I know she means well. If I don't think about this now, I never will.

“ You're right.” It's hard to admit, but Jasper softens the blow slightly. Any wave of calm might disintegrate if I could see the speedometer though. It  _ feels _ fast, even to me.

“ I think Charlie could handle the truth. If anyone can, it's that man. I'm not saying we should tell him, and definitely not right away. But if, a couple months after I disappear, or longer, my body is found, I think he'd rather hear anything than that I'm dead. Even though I technically would be.” The words are getting muddled up in my brain, tiredness overtaking everything and blurring the lines.

“ Cut it out. I'm considering this rationally, and Edward would never give me the chance to do so. If not now, then when?” The sleepiness mostly fades.

“ Sorry.” Jasper's voice is soft, but full of southern charm. It's easy to imagine him as a cowboy in the Midwest, maybe Texas, and it brings up a slightly hysterical giggle. Alice gives me a quizzical look, but doesn't press it.

“ Are you ready to give them up for good?” Alice is gentle, and I lean on her.

“ Renee? Without a doubt. She has Phil to take care of her, and I can't be her parent forever. I don't want to be. That's why I left. It's not easy, to be the adult at 13. Maybe younger. I'm not really sure. A lot of my life with Renee has blended into a weird slurry.” It's why it's so easy to make this decision. I've been taking care of myself, been an adult, for far longer than a lot of my peers.

“ But Charlie?” Alice asks. I sigh, and rub my thighs anxiously.

“ It would break him. I couldn't leave him alone, with no knowledge of my existence. Even if the rest of the world thought I was dead, I'd have to throw him a rope. Even if it's just in phone calls. He's taken care of me, treated me better than anyone ever has.” The words tear at my heart, imagining his distress at hearing the news.

“ Do you want to do this for you, or to be with Edward? I know your first love is exciting and feels like the best thing in the world, but things will change, when you become a vampire, when you know each other after decades, in the most intimate ways. Privacy in the house is limited, despite our best efforts. You will become different in a century, and he hasn't changed in the last 100 years. You'll both have little quirks that get on each others nerves, and if it's too much, you need to have something to live for, separate from him. Think about the small things that annoy you, and think about dealing with them for a century.” Alice strokes my hair back, ever so gently, before moving to the front seat to give me, and perhaps herself, space.

I can vaguely hear their soft conversation, but I tune it out to ponder what she's told me. She didn't say no to Charlie, which Edward would have. Edward. It seems like ages ago that he took me to the meadow, told me he loved me, but it's only been a weekend. How long have we even been friendly? Romantic? All rationality in my brain is screaming not long enough. People always talk about the honeymoon phase, and it clicks something in to place. Do I know enough about Edward to love him? It takes months for a relationship to build up to abusive. Can I guarantee that he won't turn on me? He's got so much power over me. Will he even still be interested once we've balanced out or, heaven forbid, I've tipped the scales in my favor?

“ Would you say Edward is a rational person?” The question pops out, unbidden, and Jasper chuckles.

“ Starting to rethink things?” Alice's voice is almost a chime, but sympathetic. “He can be... but a lot of times he needs persuading. He's not always a good listener, which is ironic.” She snorts, kicking her feet up on the dashboard. “Despite living with her for, ya know, forever, he still thinks Rosalie is greedy for attention. You wouldn't know, but she's quite caring. She'd rather let Emmet take the spotlight any day. I'm not trying to paint my brother in a negative light, I do love him, but he's overbearing. Because he can read minds, he's convinced he's always right. Especially about humans. Before you, he hated them as much as he admired all they could do.”

“ I think he's been in High School too long. It's easy to hate teenagers. Their emotions are so strong, their thoughts even more volatile. It's painful to be around, but we all make the effort.” Jasper's voice is quiet in the car. It's nice to hear him speaking to me. Maybe we can be friends once I'm no longer human.

“ I understand, I think.” Their words have given me a lot to consider. The car lapses back into silence for several miles, more than I probably know.

My throat is almost sore from not speaking when I speak up again. My head's pressed to the window, watching the emptiness of Arizona, then New Mexico desert pass by. “I don't know that I'll be with Edward forever, if I'll even be able to stand him in a decade, but I want to be a vampire. Time passing me by, and the helplessness of being mortal, living in the world how it is, is my worst fear. I've spent a lot of time in my life being helpless to the will of others, and I'm in more danger now than I've ever been. Like it or not, I'm a part of your world now, and I can't be helpless if another vampire comes calling for me.” My voice is hard, and it's not an effort to be sincere. I can feel in my gut that this is the right decision. Even if Edward isn't right for me in the long run, being a vampire is. Besides, I'll have forever to figure it out. “Edward would say that he'd be there to protect me, but I don't want to be protected.”

“ Okay, I'll do it.” Alice makes the decision in a snap. “You're very serious about this, and I don't think Edward will ever stop dragging his feet. I've seen this since the day he met you, and it's clearer now than ever. By the time they can reach us, it'll be too late. He'll live, and you'll be able to stand up to him if he throws a fit.” Alice's grin is almost predatory, imagining, or perhaps having seen that come to life. “Jasper where-”

“ New York. We can go to the cabin up in the Adirondacks. We'll be miles from other people, and any dangerous stimuli.” He interrupts before she can finish. “That's why I picked it for our honeymoon, after all.” He smirks at her, and if she could blush, she probably would be right now.

“ Perfect. How far away is that?” Anticipation, maybe mixed with anxiety had barely started to build before it was smoothed away.

“ For humans? 40 or so hours from phoenix. We're maybe 15 hours away from it. Go to sleep and we'll be there before you know it.” Alice answers cheerfully.

“ Fine.” It's fairly easy to get comfy in the back seat, and some generously given sleepiness makes falling asleep easier than I expected. Things seem a lot easier than they did a few hours ago. A huge weight has been taken off my chest, at least temporarily.

I wake up to the soft chatter of Alice and Jasper, too indistinct for me to make out. “Humans need food, and you've been out for a while. Edward called, they landed in Phoenix on time. They should be meeting up with James soon. He'll call if they have news.” She raises her voice enough to reach me, and my stomach grumbles.

“ Baconator. Wendy's. Where are we?” The words are grumbled, fog still clouding my brain and processing.

“ We're still four or so hours away.” Alice passes back a Wendy's bag, still hot, and I'm suddenly grateful to have a psychic best friend.

“ Alice, I love you. You truly know what I need.” The desire for fries makes me sappy, I guess. Jasper chuckles. “God, wait can you hear my digestive system?” Eating suddenly becomes a lot harder, and I stop shoving fries into my mouth. Alice's bell laughter fills the car.

“ Eat, Bella.” It's almost an order, coming from her.

“ That wasn't a no.” I start eating fries one at a time, still not convinced, but willing to compromise. “So Edward didn't say much about your pasts. Can you tell me about what it was like for you as a newborn?” I direct the question to either of them, pushing my luck on the Jasper front.

“ As you've probably guessed, I was a cowboy. A vaquero, if you want to get into specifics. The best one in Texas, at that. I had a pretty good life, and then Maria found me. I guess she liked the look of me, because she turned me. She explained afterwards that there was a war on, The Civil one, but I didn't want any part of that. She'd saved me from being forced into it, like a lot of good men who made a living with me at the time, and I was grateful. I don't have the heart for war, and my gift would've made it unbearable.” His voice turns sorrowful, and his eyes in the rear view mirror are far away.

“ I wish I remembered my human life enough to tell you about it, because as rough as it could be, it was a good life for me. But you asked about bein' a newborn, so I'll tell you. Had we not been in the middle of a desert, I might've leveled a town with the amount of blood lust I had. She brought me several men who'd rather die than fight any longer, and die they did. It ain't easy, and it ain't pretty, but that's the truth. Had I known then, that Alice was comin', or the rest of my family's circumstances, the next few years might've been easier on me.

“ As it was, Maria wanted protection, and wrangling cattle translated well enough to wrangling newborns. They're strong, fast, and unpredictable. I took a lot of beatings and felt a lot of pain. I mostly wear button downs from the bite scars on my arms, and neck. Humans would ask too many questions. Eventually I grew tired of Maria, and the constant fighting. She had an army to take my place, and a war to survive. I don't know who was after her, but she was scared. I left, and wandered through the desert for a while, trying to survive with as little suffering caused as possible. I hadn't tried animals, didn't think to when families depended on most of the ones I found.

“ I came across a little town in 1948. I'd been a vampire for 104 years, and the weariness of fighting had me feeling every second of it. That's when I met Alice.” He looks over at her, pure devotion in his eyes. “I walked through the door, and she turned, sitting pretty on a bar stool. The first thing she said to me was 'You kept me waiting,' with the biggest smile on her face. I tipped my hat, apologized, and the rest is History. Two years later we met the family.” The story has brought the smile back to Jasper's face.

“ He still looked like a cowboy.” Alice giggles, leaning over to kiss him. I'm still speechless from the story, and the newfound newborn knowledge.

“ How much of a danger will I be?” My voice is apprehensive, although I'm not doubting my decision.

“ For the first year? Incredibly dangerous, and likely hard to control. Newborn thirst is overwhelming. Blood  _ will _ be the only thing that matters if it's in your presence. You'll want to feed almost constantly, probably. If we can start you on a vegetarian diet early, it might be easier, but you will slip up. All of us did, except Rosalie. Miss Perfect is an outlier, and Carlisle's strength of will is unheard of.” Alice's voice is surprisingly light, for the topic. “We'll keep you in check. And the first few days, we'll have blood for you, no hunting or risk taking required.”

By this point I've finished my burger, but the thought of drinking animal blood turns my stomach just slightly. Might as well get used to it.

“ There's one more thing you need to know, and it might put you off, at least for a little while. Edward's reaction to you being turned isn't pretty.” Alice's eyes tighten a bit as she looks back at me, hiding a grimace. “I love you, and I will still turn you, but I'm not looking forward to being dismembered and put back together.”

Jasper's face in the rear view mirror is grim, his mouth set in a stern frown. He's obviously not happy about anything happening to Alice. His eyes say that she won't be the only one being dismembered, if he even lets Edward get that far. My mouth goes dry, and I'm suddenly glad Alice waited until I was done eating. She must've seen the possibility of me throwing up all over the car. I might anyways.

“ I think we should wait.” The answer is obvious to me, my brain no longer clouded by the adrenaline of being hunted, and fear of my own mortality. My own selfish desires can, and should, obviously come second to the life of my best friend. Not to mention Charlie's devastation if I went missing for months without talking to him. Of course I should wait. The answer would make Edward happy, even if it displeased me to admit. “I can't come between you and your family.”

“ I knew you would Bella, but don't think this means forever. I won't let him keep you out of our family.” Her face hasn't relaxed, and I know she's not saying something, but I can't read what.

“ I don't want to cause any trouble.” Her face softens slightly, at that.

“ You don't, Bella.”

The rest of the drive is spent between staring out the windows at the mountains in Pennsylvania passing us by, beautiful but still too green, and reading a few pages of Jane Austen, before tossing it aside, too impatient to focus. About two hours in, Edward calls again to let them know that James took off across the desert, with Victoria at his side. Under normal circumstances, I'd be desperate to talk to him, but Alice's warning has me rethinking my attachment to him. Do I want to be with someone who would dismember their own sister for turning me? He's so eager to override my desires in the name of my 'safety'. Anxiety still coursed through me at the thought of them chasing James, battling them out.

“ Bella?” Alice got my attention, hand outstretched with the phone for me.

“ Edward?” My voice wasn't as desperate as it might've been just yesterday.

“ Your mother is fine, safe in Florida. I think he's trying to track you, from the hotel. I don't think he'll have much luck, but Emmett and Carlisle are tracking him. I'm coming to you, to keep you safe.” His voice is hard, controlled, but I can hear the anger simmering under the surface.

“ No.” My voice is equally as hard, and I think I take him by surprise. “Your gift is better used in tracking him, and Alice can take care of me.” I never thought I'd refuse his company, or even want him to stay in danger, but I need more time to process my feelings without his company. Alice smiles in the front seat.

Edward sighs, clearly exasperated. “Bella, I love you. Let me protect you.”

“ Don't you trust Alice?” My voice is sweet, knowing he likely doesn't for the exact reason being around her is so liberating for me. “She can see what's going to happen, and call you. Being around her and Jasper is making the whole process easier on me.” I let some of my underlying anxiety bleed into my voice, hoping he'll realize the toll everything is taking on me.

“ As far as I can throw her,” he mutters, almost too quietly for me to hear.

“ James could track you to me. He's expecting you to come be with me.” I think this is what does it, the thought of him putting me into danger.

“ You're right.” The words sound pained, coming through gritted teeth. “Stay safe. Don't let Alice give you any...  _ ideas _ .”

I let out a strained chuckle. “As safe as I can be, on a flat surface, in the middle of the mountains.”

He sighs again, sounding stressed. “You'll be the death of me, Bella.” I roll my eyes, thankful he can't see. Alice can and her bell laughter rings out. Edward doesn't question it, thankfully.

“ You can't die.” I remind him. He chuckles dryly, and hangs up without saying a word. I toss the phone at Alice with a sigh. “Is he always going to be like this? 'Don't have any ideas of your own, Bella. Even when you do have a good idea, I'm going to be resentful that you thought of it. Do exactly as I say, Bella. Be safe and stay in this glass cage I built for you, without question! Don't let Alice give you ideas, because there's no way you thought of them yourself!” I'm yelling by the end of my speech, irritation rolling through me, and for once Jasper doesn't interfere, letting me feel how I need to.

“ Go Bella.” Alice laughs softly, her voice gentle. “He's overbearing because he cares about you, not that I think you should take it. When you're one of us, you won't have to. I look forward to seeing him get it.” Her voice is gleeful.

“ I shouldn't have to  _ now _ .” I mutter, wiping a few angry tears away. “Might have you turn me just to spite him.” I sigh, thinking about the destructive aftermath. “I shouldn't.”

“ Probably,” Alice admits. “I don't think he knows what he has enough to appreciate you like he should.”

Her words make me pause, and I think over every interaction I've had with him.”Has it really only been 9 days?” The words pop out unbidden, horrified. The panic is building in my mind at the revelation. He said he loved me after four days, and I said it back! “What the fuck is wrong with me? Obviously something! I don't love him, I can't! It's obviously some lust based infatuation, built up more by my desperation for attention and confusion over how he could want  _ me _ , of all people. God, this is so  _ stupid _ ! And he's a virgin who's never been in love, so of course he wouldn't know better. Ugh, I hate being the reasonable one.” Alice chuckles, and I glare at her.

“ Of course, it's an even shorter amount of time for you. He said he watches me sleep! What the fuck! We weren't even speaking when he started. That's so fucking creepy. What gives him the right? 'Oh, well Alice saw we were destined for each other, so I felt comfortable invading your privacy and taking our relationship at light speed, and overwhelming you into doing what I want because every single fucking thing about my anatomy is designed to draw you in, and taking advantage of that is totally fair!” I kick the back of the seat, angry tears pouring down my face, as Alice watches in silence. Her eyes are sad.

The anger is ebbing away, replaced by exhaustion that I don't give in to. It was probably the crying that did it. I can't blame Alice, though. She can't control what she sees, or how Edward reacts to it.

“ I'm sorry, Bella.” Alice's voice is quiet, letting me process in my own way.

“ It's not your fault.” I sigh, reaching out to her with one hand. “I am still going to be your sister. I'm still becoming a vampire. I think I'm going to take Edward down a peg, and make him start over. As equals.” Imagining being able to actually make him take me seriously is delightful, a more vindictive side of myself coming out.

“ I don't think it matters to me what he thinks of me becoming a vampire, and I don't think he'll get very far if he tries to hurt you for making me one.” Jasper meets my eyes in the mirror, his smile slightly scary at my words.

“ I thought it'd take a lot more than that to talk you out of Edward, honestly. You'll find he's not the only vampire interested in you. You have a new life, and tying yourself down immediately, without thinking it all through, isn't in your best interest.” Alice smiles back at me, happy with my decision. I try not to overthink what she's said. “God, he's going to be so pissed, not only that I turned you, but that he missed your first few days.” Her laugh is full of delight.

“ Do you have a request for your last meal?”

Her words take me back, but I quickly get over it. “I'm still full, and a baconater is a pretty good choice.”

She quickly slides over the seat, into the back with me. “I won't insult you by asking if you're sure, because it's clear you are, but are you okay? Today has been a whirlwind, and the breakdown of your relationship can do a number on you.”

It's not until she asks that I realize how not okay I am. The world as I knew it was different yesterday, and different even more two weeks ago. And in a few days, I won't even be the same person. “Maybe not.” My voice is small, and Alice pulls me to her hard chest, cradling me while I cry. I can feel Jasper making me sleepy, and I let it happen. It's the last chance I'll get.


	2. New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella is in New York, and her entire world changes! Featuring, Jasper documenting the whole thing at Alice's behest, and big rocks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading Chapter 2 12 hours after chapter one because I'm impatient for you to see it! I'll probably upload daily. Find me on tumblr @effervescent-hoe

Jasper pulls the car over at the end of a trail that's barely a road, and turns it off. “The house is deep in the woods, with no trail.”

I groan, but hopefully they won't make me walk. I hated it when Edward carried me, but maybe this time will be different. I won't have to be soon enough. I step out of the car, and Jasper has already run ahead with my bag, leaving me with Alice.

“ May I?” She speaks up, startling me out of my thoughts. I look up at her, and her arms are open, waiting for me.

“ Uh, yeah.” I stammer, looking down to hide my blush. What a stupid time to remember girls are cute. She scoops me up bridal style, and I bury my face in the crook of her neck. I may never get to be close to her like this, and she smells somehow more lovely than Edward. I know she's even more aware of the pounding of my heart, and the blood in my cheeks than I am. The knowledge is painful. At least no one can read my mind, probably. I still need to get a handle on my feelings before we reach Jasper.

She took off running as soon as I hid my face, and I can barely feel it, too absorbed in being held. I can't feel her stop, but I hear Jasper's quiet chuckle, and chance opening my eyes. The ground is still beneath me. Alice lowers my legs down gently, and I still stumble over nothing into her. When I do look around, it takes my breath away.

The cabin is nestled deep into the trees, absolutely surrounded in every direction. The house itself isn't as large as their home in forks, but cozy. It looks like a sweet, comfortable place to honeymoon, with a high, sloped roof out of a fairy tale. It's quirky, just like Alice, and covered in vines the perfect amount of overgrown. Flower bushes grow around the edges, overgrown and wild looking, but not out of place. The whole meadow, small as it is, looks magical in its perfection, in its imperfections.

“ You sure know how to pick 'em.” I'm not sure which one of them I'm directing this to, but Jasper tips his hat with a grin.

“ Let's head inside, and get you settled.” Alice flits through the wide, forest green door, leaving it open for me to wander through at my own pace. I follow her slowly, my nerves building and fading as quickly as they come. I smile at Jasper in thanks.

“ How do you want to do this?” I pick at my cuticles, looking anywhere but Alice and Jasper.

“ Do you want this done like a business transaction or like we're best friends?” Alice grins, and pulls me over to an overstuffed couch, that's incredibly comfortable.

“ Friends, obviously.” I stumble slightly over an uneven floorboard, falling onto the couch more than sitting on it.

“ It's going to hurt worse than anything you've ever experienced, and you'll be here for 3 days. Is this where you want to be?” Alice's voice is serious, and I can see Jasper has left us alone, probably preparing the rest of the house. The couch is long enough to lay on, and comfy enough that I can't see it being worse than anywhere else.

“ I think so. I'm pretty good with pain, being so clumsy.” Anxiety is making my hands shake slightly, so I hide them in my lap. Alice notices, of course, and takes them in her cold ones.

“ Where do you want your scar? That's where I'll bite you.” Alice traces a single finger gently over my pulse point, and it sends a shiver down my spine. Blood rushes to my cheeks, and I'm suddenly glad I don't have to look Jasper in the eyes right now.

“ I never really thought about it. Closer to the heart is better, right?” My words are almost whispered, and I have to clear my throat before I can say more. “Maybe . . . here?” I trace my finger over her ribs, near the bottom. It's someplace I'd always wanted a tattoo, but that won't happen now. I'd rather have something of memory there than nothing at all.

“ If that's what you want, Bella.” Her voice is sweet, and I'm glad it's her here with me. “Do you want Jasper in here for this part?” She disappears for a split second, reappearing with a very fluffy robe in hand. “Trust me, you'll want to wake up in something soft. It's overwhelming.”

“ Maybe just after, when the pain starts. It seems . . . intimate.” As embarrassing as it was to admit, I didn't want to share Alice, not for this. This was my moment for her, possibly my only moment with her, and I wanted the last of my humanity to be hers.

She nods, and I stand back up, pulling the robe from her. I spot my bag by the door, and silently thank Jasper. My favorite pair of sleep shorts are easy to find, as well as my softest, oldest sleep shirt. Alice's back is turned to the window, giving me the privacy to change, and I do quickly, slipping the robe over them. I'm not wearing anything underneath. It seems easier than feeling the restricting fabric when I wake up. I can deal with potential consequences later.

I turn back to the couch, and Alice walks at human speed to meet me there. “It's now or never, babe.” My mini pep talk doesn't do much for my nerves, but it makes her smile. Instead of overthinking some more, I lay on the couch, getting as comfortable as possible. “I'm ready.” I try to smile at Alice, but it's more of a grimace.

She moves slowly, carefully towards me. Her small form perches on my legs, and her fingertips are gentle when they push my shirt up to expose my ribs. “Here?” Her voice is quiet, fingers tracing a particularly sensitive spot on my ribs, just under my chest.

“ Yes.” My voice is heavy, longing barely disguised by shaky fear.

Her lips barely ghost over the spot, pressing down with the force of a kiss and making my breath catch before her teeth sink in ecstatic, erotic pain, that quickly crosses every line I've ever drawn. The breath I lost to her kiss comes out in a scream, pain racing over every nerve, outward from the bite. Instead of thrashing, everything freezes, and I cease to exist outside of the fire burning through me. I can't even hear the screams, or feel my throat making them, but I know they're happening. The pain is the only proof I exist.

Cool presses to both sides of my face, abstract in the shape of myself. Above me, everything comes in to sharp focus, a contrast brought about by a new level of pain, beyond what I thought I could feel. Amber eyes stare into mine, concern on the face of an angel. Her lips are moving, but I can't read them, can't hear. Calm presses into me, fighting a war with the pain, overwhelmed by the tsunami. It isn't too much before I feel myself going under, drowning in inescapable waves.

~~~

The first thing I'm aware of is how silent, how still my body is. Nothing is moving, or changing, and won't ever again. My lungs are hollow. The second thing I'm aware of is the intense burn in my throat, and the desperation it seeps into my soul. Sounds filter in next, hitting me like a freight train. Every leaf dropping in the forest behind the cabin, overlaid on the sounds of footsteps, of whispers, of the brush of clothing, over insect noises and the wind, and the electricity that's a slight buzz in the cellphone. Someone is talking on it. The voice on the other end whines, signal sparse, existing only because of satellites.

“ I want to talk to her. Every time I call she's asleep. I miss her.” Edward's voice is on the other end, and it sparks an emotion in me, pulls a breath from me, followed by a clusterfuck of scents, a cacophony I can't unravel, or even begin to decipher. I abruptly stop, it coming as more of a gasp than anything tangible(?). In an instant, a wave of calm forcefully crashes over me, isolating me from the overwhelming stimulus, and keeping my eyes closed. Thanks, Jasper.

“ Well, she's asleep. She's been sleeping a lot because this is very stressful for her, possibly because a madman wants to kill her, specifically, and possibly because two weeks ago, you weren't talking, and she didn't even know vampires existed. And now she's being hunted. You want to talk to her? Kill James, make her feel safe again, and come see her for yourself.” The words are low and furious, almost a buzz. I hear a minor shift in the corner of the room, and I'm suddenly aware I'm not alone. My whole body freezes more than it already is, and I hear the softest of whispers, barely perceptible with my new super hearing, but definitely not to Edward on the other end.

“ You're fine, Bella.” It's Jasper, and I try to relax, focusing more on the fleece robe wrapped around me, and the hyper coziness of my t-shirt. Maybe if I catalog the physical sensations first, I can ease myself into the rest. In the other room, Alice hangs up, and races in to see me, stopping at my feet. I knew there was a good reason to avoid opening my eyes, and making Alice the first thing I see as a vampire is definitely one of them.

Her amber eyes met mine, lit up with joy, and it took my breath away in a whole new way. Every aspect of her was still the most beautiful I'd ever seen, human or otherwise, but somehow I could see  _ more _ of her. The blinds behind her were closed, keeping the sunlight out, but still she shone. If I had a working heart, it would betray me in an instant, but I'm sure I was just as betrayed to Jasper. Maybe things would be more awkward than I thought. I reach out hesitantly to place my hand on her cheek, relieved and amazed to find it the same as my hand, almost warm to the touch. Somehow despite the granite skin, her face was still soft, and I almost had to close my eyes again.

“ Glad to see you awake.” Her smile is blinding, as is Jasper's slightly softer one behind her. She sits next to me on the couch then, and offers me a cup with a neon green crazy straw, and I eye it suspiciously before taking it. “Trust me, it'll help. I got it for you myself.”

I can't help but laugh before taking a sip, and it sounds magical to my ears. It takes less than a second for me to drain the cup, and Alice hands me a second, this one with a bright purple straw. I look up to take it, and meet Jasper's eyes behind a camera, and glare at him. I still drain the cup in one go, mostly ignoring the taste. I'll have to get used to a lot of things, it seems.

“ You weren't kidding about the pain.” It's the only thing I can think to say, now that everything is done. What else can you say?

“ I want to take you hunting soon. Edward will probably be here in a few days, and Esme and Rosalie will be here tomorrow. I think it'd be better to have Jasper for damage control, and I might also want to steal the experience from Edward. Nobody knows, not yet, but they will soon.” Alice talks, mostly to fill the space, so I don't have to. The burn in my throat doesn't go away, or even lessen much, even after several cups of blood.

“ I know it still hurts, but that's more than you need.” Jasper speaks up then, interrupting Alice's monologue about cabin decorating. He reaches out, and places his hand on top of her head gently, approaching slowly to sit next to her. “Darlin', why don't you show her where the mirror is? I'm sure you're dying to.” He smiles gently, and Alice squeezes my hand before dragging me up, and at superhuman speeds to the mirror. The short trip takes my breath away, but luckily she's covered it, giving me time to adjust before I see myself.

Instead, she's standing behind the mirror, slightly above it, ready with a camera and a hand on the cloth to uncover it. I don't think there will be a single part of my journey undocumented. “How much of these pictures are for you, and how much are to spite Edward?” My voice is weird in my throat, unnatural and too smooth, but still my own.

“ All of them, of course. I think you'd like scrap booking.” Her voice is light, teasing. “These are moments we'll never have again, a whole new world of firsts that I've never gotten to see someone experience.”

Without warning, or waiting for my response, she pulls off the mirror covering, and I'm stunned by what I see. In the mirror is . . . myself. My hair is still the same dull brown, except maybe I can see the nuance in it more than before. The color hasn't changed, but my perception of it has. I can see every individual strand of red just barely blending in to the rest, with two or three darker strands that are closer to how Charlie's hair is. More and more it's easier to see the little pieces of me from my life, and where they came from, an amalgamation of parts that make up my singular whole. I'm still the same Bella, with the same uneven lips, and individual flaws that are barely noticeable, but keep me myself. I can't keep the relieved sigh in as I catalog the imperfect pieces of me that are much more lovable when faced with the thought of them being rewritten. Maybe I never thought I was beautiful before because I could never see myself like this. The venom could've made me more perfect, the most beautiful being on earth, and it made me myself.

Maybe the inhuman beauty I saw in the Cullens wasn't because they were vampires, but because I found them beautiful and I loved them, before I even knew them. Seeing otherness in someone else that you feel in yourself is a connection that can't be denied, a piece of you that's scattered across millions of people, a fragment of your soul screaming into the void that you're not alone how you are, undeniable in its existence. If I could cry, I would be, at the beauty that is being myself when I didn't expect, or even want to be. Had I lost this, how much of myself would have stayed? Had I become functionally perfect, what would have tied me to humanity, kept me from losing myself, becoming someone else entirely? How could I tell myself apart from the many others with “perfect” features, could I have prevented becoming a faceless automaton, losing my personality, and maybe my soul?

“ I can see the gears whirring there, Bells. Maybe you should slow down, and breathe.” Jasper's thick southern accent startles me, and I turn faster than humanly possible to stare at him, before relaxing.

“ I'm still me.” Is all I can articulate, but I think he knows what I mean.

“ You'll be this you forever, might as well get used to it.” He grins then, one side of his mouth turning up in a charming smile, and I let myself look at him for what feels like the first time. He's wearing a short sleeve button up, perhaps so I can see his scars for what they really are, which is breathtaking. Hundreds of bite marks overlap everywhere, crescents so hard to distinguish between each other that they're an intricate web, glistening in the bright light of the overhead. The web covers every inch of exposed skin, up most of his neck and entirely covering his arms. He still has the muscles of a cowboy, forever unchanged decades later, and it's easy to picture him on the back of a horse, tanned in the Texas sun. His skin is darker than Alice's, a deeper tanned brown that I hadn't noticed before, given his paleness, but was clear when my new eyes could cut through the pallid veneer of vampirism. I guess I wouldn't have known that it white washes you until now anyways.

I grin back at him, pleased with my reflection, and that he no longer seems afraid of me. I guess now that he doesn't have to worry about killing me, things are easier. Alice bounced up behind me, throwing her arm around me in the casual affection I missed from having no real close friends in years, and I slide my arm around her waist without overthinking it too hard.

“ What do you want to do first? Test out your strength? Your speed?” She's almost vibrating with excitement.

“ Maybe put on some real clothes, and throw a really big rock.” Now that I've realized how easy it'll be for me to put big rocks wherever I want, I can't wait. Alice pulls me from the room, too excited to wait for me to move, and brings me upstairs to the loft area of the cabin, which is basically a cozy looking bed on the floor, a very comfortable looking armchair, and a bookshelf already stocked with my favorites. The back wall, a triangle leading up to the roof, is all windows, and the view takes my breath away. I don't have time to appreciate it before Alice is shoving clothes into my hands. She seems just as excited to see me throw a big rock as I am to throw it. She gives me some privacy to change.

I pause in my room, completely naked, and take a chance to look at myself fully in the full length mirror tucked in to one corner. Yup, still me. Thigh dimples and all. The bite mark catches my eye, tucked beneath my breast, and it's just as sexy as I'd hoped it would be. What's the point if it isn't? I can't show it off, but I won't need to. Or really want to.

I hear Alice huff impatiently, and chuckle, throwing on the flannel, and my favorite pair of jeans. At least my clothes will always fit me. I spot my favorite pair of chucks tucked up in the corner, and smile. Perfect. The whole process takes less than a second, the actions done almost as soon as I think of them.

“ Bella, I know you're done. Quit stalling!” Alice's excitement brings a smile to my face, and I test a little bit of my superhuman speed, jumping down from the loft, and running to meet her. She meets me a few feet sooner than I was expecting, and we both fall over, leaving a weird dent in the floor that worries me. At least we missed the glass door behind her. Although maybe that's why she stopped me. I hear the click of a camera behind me, and push myself up, turning to glare at Jasper, who holds his hands up and grins.

“ Her wish is my command. I follow orders well.” The devoted smile he sends towards Alice is sweet, and twists something in my chest I don't take the time to analyze. I've got rocks to throw!

“ Aw, fuck yeah, let's find some rocks!” My excitement propels me out the door that Alice has left open, perhaps foreseeing me breaking it in several different ways during my rock fueled excitement.

Stepping outside as a vampire is a whole different ball game, and every sensation hits me all at once, bowling me over. It's more overwhelming than I thought it would be, and I pause after a single step, taking a cautionary breath that makes me more committed to holding it, at least for a while. It's strange to think that I can, but not difficult. A mouse scuttling in the grass nearby makes my head snap to it, but I snap myself out of it. Now isn't the time. Mice are cute, and not food. Gross.

Rocks. That's what I'm here for. Alice stretches out her hand, willing to lead me, and I take it. Jasper is a few feet away, snapping pictures at seemingly random intervals.

“ Bring me to the rocks.” My voice is far too serious, and it makes laughter burst from my chest, booming and echoing in the small clearing. A camera snaps, and Alice takes off running, dragging me behind until my legs kick in, and I put on a burst of speed, flying to keep up with her. My brain can catalog every rock, and every root, far faster than I can process the information, but my legs seem to be able to keep up, and it's just as terrifying as it was when I was a passenger with Edward. Very quickly, Alice comes upon a large rock, and the sight of it, magnificent and moss-covered, is enough to distract me long enough to trip over a root.

My body goes flying, tumbling over itself and crashing bodily into a tree, which cracks like thunder in my skull, echoing for miles. The tree itself, a large (oak?), crashes to the ground, hitting the rock and splintering again, just as loudly. The camera has been clicking nonstop throughout the entire thing, and it takes me a second to get my bearings.

“ I'm  _ still _ accident prone?” My voice is loud, a disbelieving yell echoing through the now still forest. Alice is laughing, a high bell tone, and I can hear Jasper's chuckles behind me. Instead of facing either of them, I do the highly reasonable thing, and pout. I cross my arms over my chest, sitting in the shattered remains of tree, and glare at the root that caused all this. “Stupid fucking vampire agility didn't kick in, huh? Become a vampire, they said. You'll be graceful, I assumed because everyone else is. No, my stupid gift isn't something cool, or useful, but the ability to make an absolute  _ ass _ out of myself.” The words are muttered under my breath, and Jasper's laughter becomes booming, louder than anything I've heard from either of them, so I switch to glaring at him. He meets Alice's eyes over my head, grin splitting his face, and making me hate how beautiful they both are. He snaps a picture of my expression, hopefully murderous, but likely just cute and harmless, if their expressions are anything to go by.

“ You'll get the hang of it, Bella.” Jasper assures me, pulling me up with one arm. I abruptly realize that's the first time he's ever touched me. “Go throw a rock.” He gestures behind me, to where Alice is perched on a rock bigger than her.

“ Wanna arm wrestle? It'll make you feel better.” Her smile is sweet, and contagious, so I take her up on it.

“ You bet.” A competitive grin splits my face, and she hops down from the rock, lining her arm up on it for me to take. I put my hand in hers, and meet her eyes. “You're on.”

Her strength presses into me, making me strain slightly, but it doesn't feel like too much effort. I start to force her hand down, centimeters at a time, until finally I put in a burst of effort, and the rock underneath us breaks in half with the force of her hand hitting it. My eyes widen in gleeful disbelief, before I let out a victory whoop. “Ha, take that!” I jump just slightly in celebration, doing a mildly embarrassing victory dance, to the unfortunate click of the camera.

“ God, I can't wait to arm wrestle Emmett. I've always wanted a massive older brother to wrestle.” I'm nearly bouncing in glee. The rock catches my eye, and I pick up half of it in both hands, before lobbing it as hard as I can in the general vicinity of away from the house. It decimates another tree before it lands. “Fuck yeah!” I punch the air. I've tuned out the click of the camera, enjoying the pure strength radiating through my body. “Big rocks!” The words are said with the same enthusiasm.

“ Okay, I think we've demonstrated running is not the best idea. What else can we do?” I turn to Alice, and she's zoned out, lost in a vision. Jasper is at her side, and I join him, sitting on half the rock, remembering the gravity of the situation Edward, Emmett, and Carlisle find themselves in. My joy comes crashing down as quickly as it came. Right. Edward.

She snaps out of it, giving Jasper a look I can't decipher. “There's been a mild change. They're going to win against them both, and soon. Maybe within the next hour or so. There isn't time to call. If they run straight here, they'll probably get here around the time Esme and Rose do. Maybe a little sooner.” Alice gives me a look I can't read, concerned. “Things will be bad for you, when Edward gets here. There might be a fight, but We'll do our damnedest to keep it from getting to that point. Maybe you should consider what you're going to say. Later tonight, before things get crazy, we'll go hunting. He's probably going to call soon. Decide if you want to talk to him. If you do, he'll know immediately.” Alice grimaces, and I'm not sure if it's related to the vision or out of pity.

“ Let's head back.” I stand, once again startled by how fast I move, the action done as soon as I think it. “I've got some thinking to do.” The truth is, my thinking is already done. I can't say that I care about what Edward thinks, now that I'm a vampire. Why would he want to keep this from me? Was he really in love with me, or with my humanity? The way I evaded his gift? Running is almost second nature, keeping up with Alice is easy while I let my thoughts consume me. Disregarding the opinion of a boy I've dated for under two weeks is easy, even if he is a vampire. Especially one that's so set on always having his way.

Jasper seems wary when we reach the cabin, perhaps more aware, and concerned, by my moodiness than I am. He has more experience with newborns, after all. “Is this atypical, for a newborn?” I ask, settling in to the couch in the living room.

“ Very. You should be experiencing mood swings, and perhaps be a little unpredictable. Maybe it'll change once you hunt for the first time. I don't know. I'm worried that talking to Edward will set you off, and things will go badly. I think you should hunt with Alice before he calls, but she thinks everything will be fine.” He gives her a look, and she rolls her eyes.

“ I can  _ see _ that everything will be fine. I think that giving him time for Carlisle to convince him not to dismember me is the best option.” Alice sighs, walking over to him and putting her hands on his shoulder. “Yes, she's a dangerous newborn, but Bella is gentle, and would rather dismember Edward herself than let something happen to me. She won't hurt me.”

Jasper sighs. “I trust you, Darlin', apparently more than decades of experience.” The moment they share is sweet, and I avert my eyes to keep from intruding. Loneliness crashes through me, overpowering even my thirst at the realization that I could be alone for literally forever, not just the span of a human lifetime. No wonder Edward's the way he is. This emotion is overpowering everything, and there's no reprieve. Before Jasper can even blink, I'm in my loft. Pride and Prejudice, one of my favorites, has always been my emotional reprieve for loneliness, and as a vampire is no exception. I could finish it in a minute, but I force myself to slow down, picturing the scenes as I read them, enjoying Elizabeth's independence, and her slow descent into love. It only takes a few minutes for my mood to turn around, and in that time no one bothers me.

“ I'm sorry.” I know Jasper's words are directed at me, but I ignore them. I hear both of them go outside, presumably to talk, and attempt to tune it out.

“ You know how I feel about her.” Alice's words are hard to ignore, but I do my best. “This is going to be very difficult, and you think I should give her space? She's hurting, Jasper, and I can't leave her alone for that.”

“ She's dangerous, and unpredictable. She will be even more so after Edward tries to guilt her into doing whatever he says.” His voice gets quieter, almost outside the range of my hearing. “I know how you feel, and so do I, but you need to be smart about this. We can help her pick up the pieces after she's calmed down, and figured out what she wants. When Carlisle calls, tell him, and let him calm down Edward. You probably shouldn't let him talk to her when he's still massively upset. He can be cruel and he won't be thinking straight.”

I tune out the rest, focusing on my book for as long as I can before thirst starts to distract me, the burning that I put to the back of my mind coming to the forefront with a vengeance. Alice is there before I can even think of finding her, hand out-stretched. 

“You ready to hunt for the first time?” Her smile is infectious, and I find myself grinning along with her. 

“Lead the way.” I gesture vaguely, and take her hand. 

“I want to test your speed, and other physical abilities.” Alice talks as she leads me in to the woods. We’re there in what feels like an instant. Before I can reply, she takes off, and at first it’s a struggle to keep up, but I can easily keep pace with, and then outpace her. She’s several yards behind me when I stop dead at a large river. She doesn’t stop, but jumps over it easily and doesn’t wait for me to catch back up. “I’m winning, Bells.” She calls out behind her. 

“Not for long!” I take off at a run and easily leap the river, landing fairly far in front of it. It’s easy to catch back up to her, but I trip on a root, and send us both sprawling on the dirt. I’ve got her pinned, and she’s laughing. Her eyes are sparkling underneath me, so close it takes my breath away.  _ Not that I need it now _ . I can see every shade of gold and honey reflecting back at me, so sweet I could taste it. Her laughter dies slowly, and her eyes are deadly serious, peering into my soul. Does she like what she sees?

The silence surrounding us is deafening, but I still haven’t moved. She could move me if she wanted to. Does she want to? The lines around us are blurring rapidly, and she looks content to watch every single one of my walls burn to the ground. Moral integrity is the only thing holding me back, and it’s the thing that propels me to let out an awkward chuckle, and roll off her. If I could blush, I would. I don’t think I’d ever stop blushing for her. 

“How do I hunt?” The words are whisper-soft, tension still high in my body. 

“Let me show you.” Alice takes my hand, pulling me further into the forest.

~

When we come back to the cabin, it takes all of 30 seconds for the phone to ring. 

“We killed both of them. They led us pretty far north so we can probably make it to you in about an hour. How’s Bella? Edward wants to talk to her.” Carlisle’s voice is actually understandable to me now, no longer a buzz of speed. 

“She’s fine. I think he should wait until he gets here.” There’s a crash in the background that Alice ignores. “Can you do me a favor? I have news that I’m going to need you to break gently. Keep in mind that Bella is okay. I need you to either get far enough away that Edward can’t hear me, and mask your thoughts, or have Emmett hold him down so he can’t run and make any rash decisions.”

“I’ll do it!” Emmett is enthusiastic in the background.

“What’s going on, Alice? Is everything okay?” Carlisle clearly sounds concerned, and a struggle is heard in the background.

“Bella made an informed decision about her mortality. She decided, quite fairly, that the opinions of a boyfriend she’s had for less than two weeks mattered less to her in the long run.” Alice’s words are definitely vindictive, and the effect on the other line is immediate. She hangs up before he can reply. 

“Sorry about that, Bells. It’s a once in a lifetime chance, after all. I’m sure Carlisle can keep him under control, or at least make him think before he gets here.” Jasper chuckles at her words, but I’m struggling to find humor past my anxiety. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t be here when he gets here.” The anxiety oozes into my words, fear for my friend very real. 

“Jasper is here, and Edward needs to get used to not being the center of the universe. Especially not the center of your universe. He wants to control you, and I won’t stand for it.” Her words hold all the anger I can’t feel right now. 

“What happens after? I don’t want the fbi coming after you guys when I can’t be found. I don’t think Charlie will accept that I’m a teenage runaway. Especially not with the extenuating circumstances.” I sigh, sitting on the ground outside the cabin. 

“Everyone except the three of us will probably go back to Forks. After graduation, we’ll all find new homes, and Carlisle can find a new hospital to work at. The three of us find a place, and life moves on. Maybe eventually you call Charlie, and let him in on it, before they find your “body”. There’s a lot of options, Bells, and you’re at the reins, mostly.” Alice’s voice is sweet, but it almost always is. 

“Yeah, okay.” I let the idea settle over me, coming to terms with my new life. “I can live with that. Or not live.” I let out a snort at my own stupid joke, and Alice grins with me. “What do you want to do until Eddie boy gets here?” It’s easier to be flippant about him than give in to the tidal wave of emotions I’m currently feeling. I’d rather not lose the semblance of control I’ve gained with a full belly. 

“Well, that’s on you. I think you should work on not getting overwhelmed by scents. It’s something you’ll have to get used to, and immersion therapy will help pass the time.” I nod in agreement to her suggestion, and she takes my hand, pulling me to the edge of the woods. “Sit.”

I take a seat on the ground across from her, our knees touching, and she takes my hands. “Now take a deep breath, and try to identify what you’re smelling. Catalogue it all, and try to process it.”

Her words are simple enough, but the first breath I take, through my mouth, overloads me. I can taste the air on my tongue, the dust in the air, and the fresh green taste of the forest around me, twenty different plants I don’t know the names of, each only slightly off from the last, with a flowery undertone coming from the small flowers I can see in the underbrush nearby. The most delectable scent is by far Alice. Her scent tastes like honey on my tongue, the sweetest flower I’ve ever encountered, counteracted immediately by cinnamon, sharp and bitter and an absolutely decadent medley that makes my soul sing, just a little bit. I don’t realize I’m leaning forward until I open my eyes, her face a foot closer than when I closed them. 

“Take it slowly, Bells.” Her voice is cautionary, but her eyes are shining with an emotion I still can’t place. “You have, quite literally, all the time in the world to figure it out.” 

“You smell like the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. My cheeks would be flaming if they still could be. I hear a chuckle, and a soft click from behind me, but I try to tune it out, leaning back and looking at the grass to hide my embarrassment. It works, because I’m immediately distracted by all the life I can see wriggling in the soil. There’s little worms, and roly-polys, and the tiniest micro fauna, all wiggling around and going about their business. Maybe I can try again, on breathing normally, through my nose at least. 

I close my eyes, and pull in a breath through my nose. Alice’s scent is much less overwhelming this way, and I can let it go, before pulling in another. The next five minutes pass like this, until I feel like I can breathe without breaking down. It’s a marked improvement. Reminding myself to breath is difficult, but unnecessary for now. 

My thoughts turn to Charlie, and it’s painful to think about. I should probably start with an email. Does he even check it? He would if I gave him a reason to. Maybe this isn’t the best train of thought to go down, judging by the intense waves of calm washing over me. I should try to keep my emotions stable before Jasper goes spare. Alice is still sitting with me, but I can see her having a silent conversation with Jasper over my shoulder. 

“How long?” I maybe should think about what I’m going to say before they get here, and tear my peace and sanity apart. 

“About half an hour, give or take. I don’t know how much good Carlisle was able to do, or if Emmett could even stop him from leaving immediately.” Alice is thoughtful, considering everything I guess. 

“Great.” I’m not looking forward to this. She gives me a sympathetic glance. 

The time spent between them arriving and now is spent mostly pacing, which sets Jasper’s nerves off. Alice comforts him and he tries to comfort me, but the anxiety and tension is building, until I remember my rant in the car, and everything I have to be angry about. I can feel Jasper’s desperate attempts to tone down my emotions before I rip Edward to shreds, but it’s easier to brush off now that I’m a vampire. God, what a fucking trip. What a week. What a goddamn month it’s been.

I’m about to wear a path in the yard, have already honestly, when Alice whispers, “Ready?” I flinch.


	3. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward finally arrives, bringing with him the rest of the Cullens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank everyone who commented on the first two chapters. Seeing repeat names has been kind of amazing and I'm really over the moon about the reception this fic as gotten. If chapter 3 explodes, I might post Chapter 4 in 12 hours, but the plan is to post it tomorrow morning. :3

It’s not even a second later that I can hear, and smell Edward approaching. His scent catches me off guard, and I instinctively take a defensive stance, crouched low and ready to spring. It happens before I can register his form in front of me, across the yard. His hands are up in surrender, devastation written across his face. 

In the microseconds it takes for me to process this, I’ve already stood up. His scent makes my mouth water almost as much as Alice’s did, but it’s different, makes me feel different. 

“Bella.” His voice breaks on the word, and I almost feel pity for him. 

“Edward.” I whisper the word, but I know he can still hear it. 

“This is why I haven’t been able to talk to you on the phone. Because you were transforming.” He sounds disbelieving, like he still can’t understand, even with the pieces in front of him. 

“Alice told me about the process, and gave me a choice. She walked me through every step, and let me make an informed decision for myself. She treated me like an equal, deserving of a choice in the matter.” My voice hardens on the word equal, remembering every time he’s tipped the balance in his favor with his strength, or his voice, or even his kiss, just to get me to do what he wants. 

“I didn’t give you a choice because I knew you’d choose this, Bella! You don’t know what you’ve signed up for, how you’ve doomed yourself!” His voice is impassioned, supposed to be intimidating. “Can’t you see what you’ve lost? How recklessly you’ve thrown your life away? Don’t you care?” His words are designed to rile me up, and it’s a struggle not to give in. 

“I’ve gained an eternity, Edward. I’ve gained the ability to be who I am, in as many ways as I want for the rest of eternity! All I’ve ‘lost’ is the responsibility for every single person in my life weighing me down, suppressing me from chasing my dreams. You think I didn’t think about this? That I didn’t mean the pros and cons for fucking hours making a decision that’s ultimately freed me? We’re finally on even fucking ground and it feels really fucking nice. Would you ever have respected my choices? If I had laid out everything I wanted, everything you had the power to provide, would you have given it to me even if it didn’t match up with your idea of who I should be?” My voice is just as loud as his, and it’s taking all my willpower to stay across the yard from him, to keep myself a safe distance away. 

“You don’t know what you want.” His voice is collected, like he’s suddenly got mastery of his emotions, and I’m the irrational one. “You don’t know what’s best for you, Bella, which has been obvious since the day you became friends with me.” 

“Yeah, because you know so much better what’s going on inside my head.” I scoff, trying to reel in my temper. At least I’ve lost the ability to angry cry. “Were we even friends, or was I just a character study, a mystery you had to fucking get your hands inside because you feel entitled to know everything about everyone? Can you really tell me it was more than an infatuation sparked by the mystery of the unknown? Do you care about who I am and what I want, or just about knowing what you can’t know? You tried to control me and keep me in whatever box you decided I should be in, a pretty glass trophy case of mystery. You’ve always had the upper hand, and you’ve damn well taken advantage of it.” 

“Bella, listen to me. I love you. Of course I want what’s best for you-” I cut him off. 

“What you think is best for me, using your obviously superior judgement.” My tone is snippy. 

“Your judgement can be lacking, when it comes to your safety.” His voice has an edge of something in it, and I feel like he’s laughing at me, just slightly. 

“You don’t know what’s best for me. You’ve held your superiority over me since the second we met, and I’m fucking tired of it. You’ve always thought I was lesser than you, and I’m done letting you. You’ve done a lot of shit to take away my autonomy. You’ve invaded my free will and privacy more times than I can count, probably more than I even know of. I don’t want you in my life, and you can’t kiss me to change my mind about whatever you want, or dazzle me until I forget what we’re talking about because you’re so fucking used to having your way that you can stand treating another person as an equal if your life depends on it. We’re equals now and you better get used to me having personal fucking agency if you want me to even consider being around you.” Emmett and Carlisle arrive to catch the end of my speech, but they could probably hear the whole thing running up.

The devastation on Edward’s face can’t phase me, because I’m looking anywhere but in his direction. He looks like a kicked puppy, and deserves it. I definitely don’t wish I could cry right now because of how awful the whole experience feels, even if it’s liberating as hell. That’s not the reason I turn away from everyone, and nobody can prove otherwise. 

“Just let it go, Son.” Carlisle’s voice is behind me, next to Edward presumably. I turn around just in time to see Edward looking absolutely feral, lunging for Alice. Jasper intercepts him, instincts making up for speed as they both crash to the ground with a thunderous boom. Alice is at my side in an instant, pulling me into the forest. We’re running until we can’t hear the others, and even then she keeps running, hand tight in mine until we’re at the top of one of the many peaks, still far from humans. 

The view takes my breath away, the landscape unfolding underneath me, each tree distinct but still a blend of colors and shades, with rivers and lakes interspersed. I can’t focus on it for long, dry sobs pulling themselves out of my chest, choking me with all the emotion built up. I can’t even say anything to Alice, just sitting on the ground, letting sobs wreck me. It’s not fair, or fun, but it’s life, and it happens. She doesn’t speak either, just puts my head in her lap, and strokes my hair. 

“I was so  _ stupid _ .” Is the first thing I manage, and she shushes me.

“Everyone’s first love makes them a temporary idiot. Your next love will be better. My brother will get over himself eventually, and start seeing you as a person again, and life will move on.” Alice sounds awfully sure of herself, but then again she always does. Her intuition is much more reliable than most people’s, after all. 

“My next love?” I scoff, scuffing my toe in the dirt. 

“You’ll find a nice couple, and settle down in a cabin in the middle of the Adirondacks with them for a few years, until you stop being so bloodthirsty.” Her voice is light, teasing, and I chuckle in spite of myself. 

“My next love is you and Jasper?” I can’t keep the disbelief out of my voice, resting my head on her shoulder instead of looking at her. “You guys got your  _ thing _ and it’s adorable. I can’t intrude on that.” I try to keep my tone from getting too serious, like I’m not considering it, like it isn’t wholly too soon to even think about romance. 

“I love you, Bella, and not in the shitty way my brother thinks he does. I feel like I’m already waist deep in your thoughts with how much I’ve seen you in my future, our future. You’re going to be my first real girlfriend since I was turned, and I already think of you like we’re the best of friends, even though I haven’t technically known you that long. I’ve seen you coming for a while, Bells, and I’m making an effort to get to know you outside my visions.” Her hands cards through my hair gently, her cheek pressed against the top of my head.

“You are the closest I’ve had to a best friend, don’t get me wrong, but you can’t just spring this on a girl.” I fidget with a blade of grass at our feet, momentarily forgetting my super strength. 

“I thought, with your bite mark, that you knew.” She sounds genuinely surprised, which is rare for her. 

“I mean, crushing on my boyfriend's sister is miles removed from becoming her…” I stammer, cutting myself off. “I just broke up with him, and I need time to adjust, you know? I want to get to know you guys, and figure out my own shit. That’s why I became a vampire in the first place. I’ve got a massive amount of time I’ve got to figure out how to fill that isn’t just read period dramas and do laundry. I’ve got to develop hobbies and shit. Who am I when I’m not taking care of everyone else?” The last sentence comes out more serious than I intended, sending my train of thought spiraling. 

“You’re Bella. You don’t know it yet, but you like photography, and scrap booking, and weird math. You took trig, for Pete’s sake. Most highschoolers don’t go for ‘advanced’ math classes. I’ve been through college enough times that I could teach a course on anything you want to know, no humans required. You’ll get there, Bells, and we can help. No pressure, and no strings attached. First order of business is a sleepover, just so you’re warned. After all this business with family is cleared up, we’ll have a fun night, sans popcorn.” Alice smiles at me when I look up at her, and my heart would skip if it wasn’t completely still. The sun catches her short, black hair, and I can see shades of a deep blue that’s almost purple. Her irises are warm, gooey honey that’s absolutely melting me. Maybe it’ll be easier to get comfortable with them than I thought. It’s much easier now that we’re functionally equals to see her as she is, which is full of affection that I feel like I haven’t earned. 

“What about Jasper?” My voice is full of trepidation, anxiety lurking underneath the surface. 

“You’ll find your own way to fit in with him, and he with you. He can see everything I see in you, he’s just worried because you’re a newborn.” She stands, and pulls me up with her. Before I can ask, the phone rings, and she has it at her ear. It’s Carlisle. 

“You can come back now. He’s calmed down, and Jasper is fine. Esme and Rosalie have also arrived. Rose is a little testy right now.” His voice is calm over the line, and it relaxes me slightly. 

“Did she find out about the bedroom thing?” Alice’s voice is filled with glee at the prospect. 

“Edward is lucky to have his head. We should probably do introductions one at a time, outside. She could easily be overwhelmed in the house, with all of us. Jasper thinks it’ll be really bad.” Carlisle sounds like he disagrees.

“Tell him it’ll be fine, and I’ve seen it. We’ll be there soon. Emmett first.” Alice hangs up without another word, holding out her hand. “You ready?” 

“As I’ll ever be.” I roll my eyes, and take her hand. “Race you!” I take off without waiting for her answer, and I’m pleased to see how easily I can outpace her. Following our scents back to the cabin is easy, and I beat her there by a good fifteen seconds. Another, less familiar, scent stops me in my tracks. Instincts have flattened me into a crouch before I can blink, and through the trees I see Emmett, standing next to Jasper. 

“Let me give you a hug, new sis!” His voice is booming, the smile on his face massive. I take a moment to really see him for the first time. He’s huge enough that it overrides my senses with flashing danger signals, but his posture is relaxed, and I relax too. His skin looked as if he’d stepped out of the shade and into the sunlight—-minus the glimmering, of course. I could finally see the warm undertone of his sable skin that my human eyes saw as ashen. Whack. His hair, with its fine curls like cashmere, was brushed out so it laid in dark waves under the shiny light. I give in, and run forwards to hug him, our bodies colliding in a loud boom that Alice is just in time to see. Before I can get my bearings, he’s tossing me in the air. I can hear the camera clicking in the background, but my main focus is on how amazing this feels. I can’t hold back my laughter bubbling up in my chest. Emmett catches me before I can make a crater in the lovely yard, and disappoint Alice, who’s bell laughter is clearly audible. I think most of the Cullens are laughing, but I don’t care. Emmett smells like the deepest woods, a sweet musk that reminds me of Forks, and the way everything is in autumn. It’s very pleasant, and not overbearing at all. Behind him, I can see Rosalie, hiding a smile behind her hand. God, she’s gorgeous. Emmett sets me down, and Rosalie joins him at my side. Her wave is small, but it means a lot. 

“Sorry my brother doesn’t know how to respect people’s boundaries. Especially women’s. He won’t make that mistake again.” Her smile speaks of evil deeds, both planned and committed. “I know I haven’t been especially pleasant to you, but I respect the way you stood up for what you wanted, and you’re part of the family now, whether I like it or not. I can’t say I  _ understand _ , but the telling off you gave Edward makes you okay in my book.” She smiles at me, and I’m dazzled yet again. Why’s this family have to be so breathtaking? I push past my gay panic, and smile back at her. 

“Thanks, Rosalie. That makes things a little less weird.” The words are barely stammered out, awkwardness overtaking me yet again, but Alice saves me yet again. 

“Let’s get this over with! I want to see Bella break Emmett's hand in an arm wrestle!” She bounces up beside me, pulling me over to where Carlisle and Esme have been watching from the sidelines near the house. They really do make a picturesque couple, posed against the fairy tale cabin. Esme’s smile is warm, and welcoming, even though I have thoroughly broken her son’s heart after just being welcomed to the family. 

“I’m glad you’re part of the family, Bella.” Her smile is radiant, and it’s very easy to see what Carlisle sees in her. Her hair is cascading honey, and she fits against Carlisle like she was made for him. They’re such a beautiful couple that it makes my heart ache, just a little. 

“I’m glad to be part of it.” I return her smile. Carlisle echoes her sentiment, but I’m distracted by a noise inside the house. Edward, apparently. 

I turn before thinking about it, and he’s standing behind the sliding glass door, a mock smile on his face that barely conceals his anger. “I was the one doing this just over a week ago, now Alice is showing you off like your  _ hers _ .” The word is filled with disgust. I can’t help the defensive fury coursing through me, burning hotter than the fire that was in my veins only days ago. 

Alice grabs both of my wrists, restraining me, but we both know I’m strong enough to break her hold. All I can think about is making him pay for the way he spoke about Alice, the way he lunged at her. Without even realizing it, I’ve sunk into a crouch, then Jasper is in front of me, cutting off my line of sight on Edward, but I can hear him. He’s stepped outside. Preparing? I can’t tell around Jasper. I try to lean around him, calculating my chances of seeing Edward’s dumb face, but his hands lock onto my head, forcing me to look into his eyes. Rage radiates off me in waves, but all I can see is Jasper’s gold eyes, so I zero in on that. 

“Bella, please listen to me.” His voice is soft, making me focus on hearing him, over hearing my surroundings. I can feel the hands on my wrists change for larger, rougher hands, and Emmett’s scent washes over me, mingling with the desert scent of Jasper. 

“It’s not worth it. Carlisle is talking to him, and we need you to stay here.” The calmness of his voice, his gift, and his scent are finally getting through to me, too much to ignore. Now that Edward is outside of range, calming myself is easier. I let myself take one full breath, and let it out before leaning my head forward, giving in to Jasper. Emmett releases my wrists at Jasper’s nod. Alice is back, rubbing my back. I can hear the rest of the family leaving, giving the three of us some privacy. I let out a frustrated sigh, and lean my forehead forward, against Jasper’s. I’m too on-edge to care much at the moment. 

“I feel awful. This feels awful. I wanted to rip his head off.” My voice is full of misery. 

“Being a newborn is like that, unfortunately, but you’ll get through it.” Jasper’s drawl is comforting, as is being encased by the two of them. I could get used to this, under better circumstances. I close my eyes, and sigh. 

“How long will he be here? How long will I be a weird emotional wrecking ball?” Jasper chuckles slightly at my terminology.

“Not long, and about a year, darlin’. Carlisle wants to get back to his practice, and everyone wants life to return to normal as quickly as possible. We were thinking about moving somewhere near Washington, so Alice and I can finish the school year with as little suspicion as possible, to make things easier. You’d probably want to be a little more remote than Forks, for safety, but we have plenty of houses. You could stay in the main one with everyone, but I don’t want to overwhelm you.” Jasper’s voice is gentle, and sweet, and calms me down considerably. 

“What about…?” I trail off, glancing towards the general direction Edward went. 

“If he’s got an issue, he can stay in one of the other houses.” Jasper’s voice is firm, and I know he’ll hold Edward to it, if it comes down to it. 

“I think I want to go home.” The words are small, and even though I can’t sleep, I’m exhausted from the day we’ve had. 

“The fastest way is to run, and probably the safest too. There’s plenty of wilderness to cover, and we can hunt along the way.” Alice speaks up, standing and speaking to someone over my head. “Carlisle?”

“That sounds fine, Alice. Edward can take my car back, and the rest of us can fly.” I can hear the beginnings of a protest from Edward behind him, but it’s quickly cut off with what I assume to be a stern look. 

“When do you want to leave, Bella?” Alice pulls me up, and into a hug. I don’t resist, thankful for the comfort. She gives Jasper a kiss over my shoulder, and it derails my train of thought immediately. 

“Uh… As soon as my stuff is packed?” I can hear the uncertainty in my voice, anxiety started to creep in. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll have that for you in a sec.” Alice releases me, running into the house before I can say anything in protest. Maybe the house would’ve been overwhelming. 

“Thanks, Jasper.” I manage to stammer out, looking at my feet. “I’m kind of worried about the run back.” 

“It’ll take just over twenty hours. We’ll both be with you, and you can hunt as much as you need. We shouldn’t run into any humans, so you have nothing to worry about. You can’t get tired, and I think the run will give you plenty of time to think, and relax.” His smile is gentle, and he smells like home, at least the one I used to have. Did being a cowboy give him a permanent cozy desert scent? 

“Why is everything so difficult?” I sigh again, resigning myself to put up with nonsense newborn feelings for a while.

“It’s not easy being pretty.” Alice jokes, reappearing with my backpack, fully packed and ready for the journey home. I had a duffel bag, but I guess she made everything fit in a backpack. It’s easier for me to run with, at least.

“You’re telling me.” I roll my eyes, gesturing for her to lead the way. 

“I think you should hold one of our hands, so it’s easier to stop you if you get, uh, sidetracked.” 

“In case I smell a human. Right.” I’m very ready to be not here, so I grab Jasper’s hand, and we take off running. He seems surprised that I’ve picked him, but the smile he sends me is touched. The emotional stability he’s providing me really is key, right now. He’s also more prepared for me to be sidetracked, having extensive newborn knowledge.

The first hour of the run, I let everything slide around in my brain, focused more on processing the emotions of the day than running. It really is as easy as breathing, which I keep forgetting to do. Maybe that makes it easier somehow, less overwhelming. The thought of the distance we’re covering is enough to overwhelm me by itself, baffling and insane, but somehow real. 

Another few hours pass in much the same way, Jasper’s hand tight in mine, with Alice in the lead, until I pick up the scent of a herd of deer, not too far removed from our path. Jasper picks it up the same time I do, my thirst intensifying to a painful amount, which is probably making his worse, if he can feel it. He probably can. He changes our course immediately, letting go of my hand when we’re close enough that I’m crouched. Alice hunted with me earlier, so it’s just the two of us, crouched, then pouncing on deer. The rest scatter, but I meet Jasper’s eyes while my fangs cut through muscle, fat and sinew like butter. I’m careful not to get any blood on my outfit, and it’s easier than I expected. 

When we’re both satisfied, me more than him, I hold out my hand to him. It’s almost like nothing ever happened, with the exception of two deer corpses at our feet. His grin is almost predatory, and it brings an answering smile to my face. 

“I’m glad you can stand to be around me now.” I say the words without overthinking it, miraculously, and his smile shines brighter, as does Alice’s when we rejoin her. It all just fits together in a comfortable way, which makes me oddly uncomfortable. I shouldn’t just  _ fit _ into their family unit, and yet… The way Jasper held my face when I was upset, Alice at my back, felt right in a way that clicks something inside of me. Maybe it’s a vampire thing, but it felt like somewhere I could comfortably stay. Just, oh, that’s how that feels. Like a little piece of me sliding into place that I didn’t realize was askew until it was fixed. 

Even trying not to overthink it, I almost send myself into a panic over everything. There’s too much nuance for even a vampire brain to get through, and everything is just too soon. 

After ten hours of running, I’ve run out of thoughts that aren’t Weird Vampire Triad, and it’s driving me a little insane. If they weren’t both so great, it might be easier to convince myself that I need time, but the thought of being with them is sitting there, tantalizing me with the promise of how great it could be. How comforting it could be, in the wake of everything that’s happened. 

It’s the comfort factor that leads me to the conclusion that I would platonically let both of them do whatever they want. It feels too close to giving in to what Alice wants to count as a victory, but I’m not sure I care anymore. Everything in my life is too much, and cuddling my best friend sounds like the perfect solution for my woes, at least temporarily. It’s not like it changes much, right?

“How much further?” I ask, knowing they can both hear me without stopping. 

“Well, you’re faster as a newborn, so maybe 5 hours or so? A far cry from the 20 hours I expected.” 

I squeeze Jasper’s hand in thanks, resigning myself to another 5 hours of torturous thoughts about all the emotional nonsense, and another 5 hours of mood swings Jasper is barely able to help with. It’s this thought that leads to me tripping over a tree, again. I wasn’t paying enough attention, and didn’t step high enough. I, of fucking course, end up sprawled on the forest floor, another leveled tree at my feet, and debris in my hair. 

“God, what the fuck is my problem?” The words are almost yelled, exasperation built up after hours of shitty thoughts. I kick the offending tree, and it splinters wildly from the force. It’s very satisfying, so I put my foot through it before Jasper or Alice can stop me. 

“It’s been a long day, and running long distance sucks ass. Do you want to talk about it?” Jasper sits across from me. Luckily he didn’t get caught up in my bullshit clumsiness, and is pristine. 

“Well, Edward is such a fucking- I don’t know. I don’t even have the right word for how I feel about him, and all the complicated emotions that come in that suitcase. Oh, I thought I loved you, but you did something I disapprove of, so I’m just going to fucking annihilate you with guilt, instead of accepting it, and insult you  _ and _ my family. Like what the fuck is his problem? Like a week ago I knew exactly where my life was going, and now here I am a week later, in a completely different place, and the boy I thought I loved forever isn’t even my boyfriend now, and I’m a fucking idiot for being so infatuated in the first place. Not to mention manipulated. And like, how am I supposed to deal with all that in the first place, let alone on top of becoming a vampire and losing my family for the most part. I’m just done, and if I have to think about it for another five hours I’m going to explode.” I cross my arms, staring at the ground to keep from looking at either of them. It’s more embarrassing than I thought it would be that I can’t cope with emotional changes. I’ve always been this way, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I thought becoming a vampire would fix me. 

There have been plenty of words bandied about when Renee didn’t think I could hear her about my development, and lack of friends, and ‘maturity’. I don’t want to think about it now, but I can’t stop the train of thought once it’s started. Renee was so afraid to get me tested, because then I’d know I wasn’t ‘normal’, and she didn’t want that, as misguided as it was. All of my fumbled attempts to make friends in Phoenix lead to a lot of bullying, until someone outgoing took me under their wing. Even then, the bullying never really stopped. I guess I’ll never be able to get that testing now. I always wanted to, once Renee couldn’t control my life anymore. I guess adjusting to life in Forks, and not being such a major screw up, really sidetracked me. Huh. 

I realize we’re all still just sitting on the ground, because I can’t adjust like a normal person and sigh. I stand, and almost fall, unused to moving instantly. “We should probably get going.” Instead of listening to my shitty inability to cope. I bounce on the balls of my feet, letting myself bounce far faster than I’ve ever been able to, and it helps. It always has, so that’s no surprise. 

“If you’re sure.” Alice looks concerned, but the tight feeling in my chest has been temporarily bounced away.

“I’m good now.” I smile a mostly genuine smile, nodding to Jasper. He seems to accept that my emotions are in a much better place, and nods to Alice. They seem to be having some kind of silent conversation, but I ignore it, looking at my feet instead of their faces. It’s only a second more of bouncing before Alice is smiling at me, and turning to lead the way. 

I take Jasper’s hand, trying not to stare at Alice too much, or let my emotions slide in a more awkward direction. She made it sound like he didn’t mind that I had a crush on her, but it’s still weird to me. I’ve intruded on the entire family’s lives so much, and none of them seem to care. Maybe they do, and just haven’t said anything.  _ It wouldn’t be the first time _ . If I had a nickel for every time someone meant something that I didn’t pick up on, I would be richer than Carlisle. I  _ know _ that’s why it was so easy to believe Edward, to let things go, not stand up for myself, let him be better than me in every way, thinking any crumb he gave me was all that I deserved. Thinking that  _ he _ was more than I could earn in a million lifetimes, just because he’s pretty. Just because he’s the only boy who’s ever paid any attention to me. 

A small part of my brain whispers Mike, and Eric, and Tyler, but those are so hard to accept. I suppose none of those examples matter much when I can never see any of them again. Even if I should know better now, I doubt it’ll change anything, not really. I’ll still be too trusting, and stupid, and  _ autistic _ . Even thinking the word feels dirty, like it’s information I’m not supposed to have about myself. A big, scary word that changes everything, but also nothing at the same time. I’ve always known, but not officially, so nothing ever changes. When Renee found my research, she made it very clear that I wasn’t anything other than perfect, and that finding words like that could ruin my life. Like living without it hadn’t already. 

Maybe we shouldn’t stroll down self hatred avenue. Maybe instead I should think about Jane Austen instead. 

When we finally arrive at the house, I can’t help the sigh of relief that leaves me. We stopped to hunt one more time before we made it, and Esme meets us on the back porch. 

“I’m glad you’re back, Bella. Carlisle is at the hospital, and Rose and Emmett are inside. I’m sure you want to get settled, though.” Her smile is full of warmth, as always, but it’s a struggle to return it with as much feeling. 

“Thanks, Esme.” I try to smile back. Alice dashes up, and kisses her cheek while Jasper pulls me along, upstairs to the room they share. 

“Can I just, like, stop existing for a little while? A girl’s gotta decompress.” I don’t feel as much shame as I usually do asking for a break. Probably Jasper’s influence. I don’t know how easy it’ll be when I can hear everything within a mile or two. I plop down on the couch tucked into one corner of the room, sliding my backpack off. 

“Sure, Bells. Do you want to be alone?” Alice starts going through her massive closet, moving things around, and rearranging. 

“No, it’s your room. I couldn’t kick you out. I just need some time.” I’m quick to reassure her. Having their presence, especially Jasper’s was pretty comforting. I seem to have latched on to them, the way I usually do when I make any friends at all. Even knowing it, I can’t stop myself. 

“What’s ours is yours.” Jasper gestures to the room, and I smile in thanks, before pulling my favorite sweatshirt over my head. It’s always been a comfort object, and as a vampire is no exception. Instead of thinking about any of this, I pull the hood up, and draw the strings as tight as they’ll go. Even with super smell, it manages to smell like home, and comfort. I can still smell the desert sunshine scent of Jasper, who’s on the other side of the room, and oddly, it helps. I kick off my shoes and pull my knees up to my chest instead of thinking too hard about that. A few hours of hiding should do me some good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Darling_Angel, deityofgarbage (x2!), JustReadItPlease, Val, and Linnaa2903 (x2!) for leaving comments. :3


	4. The Mild Dismemberment of Edward Cullen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella has a sleepover with Alice and Jasper until Edward arrives home. Esme is kind to Bella, and things are slowly starting to figure themselves out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another huge thanks to all my commenters! I'm glad you like Autistic Bella. It means a lot to me, as an autistic AFAB, to have her as rep! I've always heavily related to her and this is an extension of that. Halfway done! (A little more than halfway, tbh) I can't wait to see what you think of it.

After a few hours of being zoned out, everything has settled. Alice is sitting near me, working on fashion sketches in her sketchbook, and Jasper is laying on their bed, a history book open that he’s leisurely working his way through. Glancing over, it looks like it’s on ancient farming and cattle techniques. I stretch, more out of habit than actual need, and Alice looks up at me. 

“Ready for the promised sleepover?” Her face lights up when I nod, quickly tucking the sketchbook out of sight. She takes my hand, pulling me up and into the closet, where she’s made room for my clothes. All the clothes I packed are here, as well as some new pajamas, and other comfortable clothes that are surprisingly my style. I guess she knows I won’t wear anything else. 

“Put these on! I picked them out just for you weeks ago.” It’s only mildly creepy, but she can see the future so I ignore it for now. She’s already changing into her pajamas, but she’s done so fast I can’t feel weird about it. “Hurry up!” She closes the closet door, and starts digging around the large room for something. While her back is turned I change into a soft pair of flannel pants and a cozy tank top, both of which fit perfectly.

She turns around, a few bottles of nail polish in her hands, and I notice our pajamas match. It brings a small smile to my face. Of course we match. She loves cliche things like this. “You’re going to love this. I picked out this shade of green especially for you. Okay, maybe not love it, because I know how you feel about ‘girly’ things, but I don’t plan on subjecting you to make up, or other cliche sleepover events. Have you ever seen Buffy?” Alice is taking my hand, and pulling me back out to the couch. I don’t protest. 

“Uh…” I hesitate, thinking back to my bare bones childhood. “No. I haven’t seen a lot of shows.” 

“You’re going to love it. I love it, and Jasper likes it, even though he acts like he doesn’t. Let’s start from the beginning.” She’s almost bouncing with excitement, and Jasper groans, but I can see the smile he’s hiding in his book. She puts the first episode on as I settle into the couch, pulling my limbs up around me in the middle. Alice pulls several soft blankets off the bed and cocoons me in them. I try to focus on the opening plot, but Alice holding my hands is distracting. She’s spent a lot of time touching me, but I can’t get used to it. 

“Bella, your nails are jagged.” She tuts disapprovingly, grabbing a metal file and filing them down to a better shape. I tune her out, instead getting into the plot of the first episode, and sharing mildly exasperated glances with Jasper. I’m having fun, even if it’s more fun to tease Alice than admit it. The sleepover feels weirdly normal by the time the second episode starts, and she starts actually painting my nails. 

“It is a nice color.” I can’t keep the surprise from my tone looking at the forest green on your nails.

“I told you so.” Her tone is smug, but it brings a grin to my face anyways. 

“What color will you paint your nails?” I take a moment to study the precision she has painting my nails, going at a normal, human speed for fun. She really does enjoy doing it, and it’s evident on her face. Seeing her enjoyment brings a small, fond smile to my face. I look away so she doesn’t catch it, but Jasper does, meeting my eyes with a fond smile of his own. 

“Probably purple. I’ve just been feeling it lately.” She shrugs elegantly. 

“That’s my favorite color.” I focus on the TV to keep from staring at her face. It’s easier and less embarrassing. If I could blush, I would spend this entire night with pink cheeks. 

“I know.” Her tone is surprisingly serious, but I try not to read into it. I’m trying so desperately not to read into anything that I completely miss her expression. 

She finishes my nails by the end of the episode, and instructs me not to touch anything or move, which is easy enough. The smell is slightly overwhelming, and it’s almost easier to not breathe at all. 

While I’m not moving, still as a statue just to be funny, not even blinking, I find myself getting sucked into the plot and drama of the show. Alice was right, I do like it. Time seems to fly while we’re watching the episodes, and it feels like only a few minutes later Alice is pushing her hand into my view for me to admire her nails. 

They’re the exact shade of my favorite color, and it throws me for a loop. “It’s my favorite color.” I know I’ve already said this, but I can’t think of anything else to say. She already knows this. Of course she does. She knows a lot of things about me without having to ask, and it’s weird to be known. It’s weird to know she cares enough to know. I look over at her, and she’s looking at me. Her eyes hold an emotion I can’t comprehend, refuse to even think about, and I can’t look away. I’m completely caught up in her, a deer in the headlights of the look she’s giving me. Like I should know. 

The TV is blaring in the background, but I’ve completely lost it. “I know it is, Bella.”  _ I know you _ . The words go unspoken, but I still hear them, still see them in the tilt of her head, and the warmth of her eyes, the way her hand rests on mine, so gentle, but  _ real _ and  _ there _ in a way I haven’t really experienced before. Her gaze says  _ I’m here. I’ll always be here _ , and for a moment I let myself believe her. Instead of saying anything, I slowly, a glacier’s pace, lean against her shoulder, tucking my feet up under myself and letting myself just  _ be _ . The soft sigh she lets out is imperceptible, but lovely all the same. 

Several episodes pass like this, and I tell myself it could be platonic, that this is just what girls do at sleepovers. After 3 more episodes I still don’t believe it. 

“This episode is his favorite.” Alice mock whispers, nudging me softly to point out how Jasper’s putting his book away. We’re tucked into the corner of the couch, my feet stretched out to take up most of it, leaning against Alice, who has a single arm draped over me. 

“Is not.” Jasper sticks his tongue out at Alice, and it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen, weirdly adorable and funny. I can’t help but laugh, giggles building up the more I think about it. While I’m distracted, I hear a quiet click of the camera. I thought he forgot about it, but apparently not. I think that might be one of my favorites, but I won’t know for sure until I see them. 

The smile on his face is small and soft, and I barely catch a glimpse of it before he’s sitting down by my feet, giving his full attention to the episode he says isn’t his favorite. After several minutes, he starts to relax, and my feet end up pressed into his thigh. It feels normal, but also intimate and weird. I put all the weirdness out of my head for now, focusing on the  _ totally platonic _ -ness of all of our positions, and try to relax. Getting back into the show is easy, and without thinking I’ve snuggled in to Alice, getting cozy and putting my feet in Jasper’s lap. He doesn’t complain, doesn’t even seem to notice, but I know he has. I know he can feel the nervous energy radiating off me in waves, because he’s matching it with his own serenity. 

Things get less weird as time progresses, and eventually Jasper’s serenity soaks into me, or I stop fighting it, I’m not sure which. I’m laughing at the shenanigans on screen when it hits me how utterly comfortable I am. That there’s no place I’d rather be right now than watching an old tv show on my best friend’s couch, with all the teasing and laughing and fun I’m having. It’s a scary thought, how comfortable I can be like this. I know it shouldn’t scare me, but it does, far more than words can really say, that things can be good. 

“I’m having a lot of fun, Alice.” My words are quieter than normal, even for a vampire. I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit. 

“Good. I hoped you could relax a little once we got here.” Her voice is sweet, and I try not to think too hard about how it makes me feel.

It’s only a few moments later that I can hear a car turning up the drive, and my stomach drops. Dread is building in my limbs. Jasper places a calming hand on my ankle, but it doesn’t help. It only gets worse when I hear Edward slam to a stop at the end of the drive, the car door loud in the relative silence of the valley. I stop breathing altogether so I don’t embarrass myself with my emotions. Not that it matters. Jasper can feel them anyways. 

I can hear Edwards steps on the stairs, but they quickly flit past us, and the door to his room slams. I let out the breath I’m holding, glad that for now there isn’t a confrontation. It still feels like sleepover time is finished. I don’t think I’ll be able to relax again. 

“In a couple of hours it’ll be time for us to go to school. You’ll be home alone with Esme. I think you should talk to her about all this.” Jasper’s voice is quiet, his hand silently rubbing my ankle, trying to comfort me. 

“I-I’ll try.” I stammer out, embarrassed. “Thanks.” I meet Jasper’s eyes with a smile that’s more of a grimace. 

“Whatever you need, Bells, we’ll be here.” His smile is soft, like coming home on a rainy day, and it makes me feel warm inside. 

His thoughts are apparently the last straw for Edward, because his door slams open in the hallway, and I flinch.

“Can I speak to you, Bella? Please?” Edward's voice sounds like it's coming through gritted teeth on the other side of the door. I try to sit up, pulling myself out of Alice's arms, but she won't let me. Her arms tighten to the point that I can't move. I guess she's worried about my newborn instability.

“Come in.” My voice wavers, and I hate the sound of my weakness.

Edward nudges the door open, and freezes when he sees my position between them. There's pain in his eyes, and it hurts me, as much as I hate to admit it.

“I just. . . want to make sure you know what you're doing. We never talked about what it's like being a vampire, and I'm not convinced you thought it through before jumping in headfirst, apparently just to spite me.” It's obvious he's making an effort not to lose his temper, his voice strained, but it still frustrates me.

“Would you believe me if I said I had? If I told you I'd spent  _ hours _ agonizing over the consequences, and how it'd change my life? Who's fault is it that we never talked about it, that you refused to even entertain the idea of me not being human? Had I asked, would you have told me the truth?” I can't help the ire building up in my voice, irritation seeping through every attempt at self control.

“You haven't acted rationally since you've changed, you haven't shown me that you knew what you were getting into! You also haven't denied that it was to spite me.” Anger is starting to seep through the cracks, but his voice stays even.

“It wasn't to spite you. I had fully thought it through, and made my decision, then Alice saw your reaction, how upset you'd be, and I turned back, before decided that  _ Fuck. You _ . I'd thought it through enough, and that I wouldn't let you control what I wanted to do when I knew what I was getting into. We dated for less than two weeks! It doesn't matter to me that you think I've made a huge mistake, because I'm not sure I even knew enough to love you in the first place!” My attempts to not yell are quickly going down the drain, and the pain on his face becomes more acute.

“You don't mean that, Bella. Please.” His voice is definitely broken now, and it hurts my heart to have caused it, but that takes a back burner to the spotlight of my anger.

“I do, Edward! There's no way you fell in love with me in what amounts to a week. You know so much that's just under the surface about me, answers I'm easily able to give, but you don't really  _ know _ me. You know about me. You think you want what's best for me, but what's best for me is this! Even if you refuse to believe that I can decide what's best for me.” Jasper's hands clamp down on my ankles, holding me in place. Alice's arms also tighten around me.

“Maybe you shouldn't be able to choose what's best for you, if you'd choose to become a monster. There's a reason I kept things from you, Bella, and it was in your best interests.” His voice is hard, and an instinctive snarl fills the room. It occurs to me too later that I'm making the sound.

“I'm so Goddamn sick and tired of people in my life telling me what's best for me. You have NO right.” The urge to hurt him, to take out all the frustration and anger that's built up out on him is undeniable. The growl in my throat is getting louder, and I can't think clearly enough to question it. I would be lunging if the iron grip on my limbs was breakable.

“Get out. Now.” Alice's voice is almost a whisper, and I know she sees me tearing him apart. He disappears without a sound as I start thrashing against Alice's hold, the door ajar. Her grip falters for a flash of a second during a vision, and it's all I need to break free of her hold. Jasper's not strong enough to hold me back completely, not by my ankles. I'm much stronger than him.

In a split second, I’m outside and on Edwards back. My hands lock onto his wrists, pulling, my mouth instinctively going to bite his neck. Nothing matters except the all consuming rage. Nothing exists outside of my need to destroy the person who hurt me. I’ll devour him whole and lose my soul with it. I couldn’t care less. I’m not something to control, a showpiece to be put in a glass case, no decision making allowed. 

I barely get my arms around him when strong arms are wrapping around my torso, and lifting. “Woah there, firecracker.” Emmett's voice is in my ear, his arms squeezing tight enough to break every bone in my body if I were human. Even still he can barely contain my thrashing. He’s pulling me backwards, away from Edward, who’s broken in the yard, but still alive. “My brother is an ass, but you’ll regret this later. Trust me.” He sits me down, limbs locked around me so that no matter how hard I thrash, I can’t escape. Esme takes Edward inside the house to patch him up, but nobody else has said anything. I can hear footsteps behind me, but they’re staying out of sight. Until Jasper steps into my line of sight, and my thrashing slows, just slightly. I know he’s trying to calm my rage, but I can easily ignore it, at least at first. I still want nothing more than to show Edward what he deserves. 

“Sorry, Em. We should’ve had a better hold on her.” His voice is soft, and he approaches slowly, arms held up in surrender. His eyes flit over my shoulder and I hear Alice retreat. “Do you think you can calm down for me?” 

He’s staring directly into my eyes, and it’s almost painful, but I can’t look away. “Can you take a breath for me?” 

I breathe in through my mouth just as the wind blows his hair into his face, and the taste of him in my mouth sets off a different reaction in me. He’s warm, the scent of sweet earth, and dusty plains, creosote and sage, a combination that screams home. I can almost feel the heat on my skin. It’s hard to believe I was there just a week ago. I close my eyes, just breathing in the scent of him, the scent of every desert I’ve ever loved and left. When I open my eyes, Emmett’s grip has slackened just slightly, and he’s crouched in front of me. 

“Alice has blood for you. Will you be okay if we let you go?” Jasper reaches out slowly to push my hair out of my face, letting his hand drag down my face. I can feel the calm wash over me. 

“I’ll be good.” My voice is all sheepish embarrassment, and Emmett lets me go. 

“I should’ve taken you hunting earlier, it wouldn’t have been as bad.” He sits in front of me, and I can hear someone, Alice I’m assuming, approach from behind.

“Carlisle was able to get blood from a blood bank for you. He arranged everything when they got home.” Alice sits next to Jasper on the ground with me. 

“I felt like I had no control.” I groan. Alice hands me a Styrofoam cup with a crazy straw, this time bright pink. I try to sip on the blood instead of downing it, but it’s hard. My throat burns like I just changed now matter how much I drink. 

“You didn’t, Bella, but that’s okay. No newborn does, not really. We should’ve been more careful.” Jasper sounds like he’s berating himself, and that just makes it worse. It’s not his fault that I’m like this. I sit with my legs crossed, adjusting until all three of us have our knees pressed against each other’s in a triangle. Making a triangle feels a bit like forcing order into the chaos of my brain, and I let out my breath in a sigh. 

“I should’ve tried harder to be logical.” The words are almost whispered, full of shame. 

“Bella.” Alice’s voice is so serious it forces me to look up at her. Her expression is stern, set. “This isn't your fault. A lack of control happens to all newborns, and you’re doing incredibly well.” Her tone brooks no argument, so I don’t bother trying to fight her. Instead I squeeze her hand. 

“Thanks Alice.” My voice is morose, I know. Even with her words I can’t help the disappointment in myself from filling me. 

“You want to know what I was like as a newborn?” Jasper’s voice is rough, scratchy with emotion. “I leveled a small town with my rage. I was angry about what happened to me, everything happening to the men I worked with, all the good men dyin’ for no good reason, ‘cept greed. Once I started, it took a tornado to stop me. Not a single one of ‘em could get a handle on me until I was good and ready for it. Bein’ a newborn ain’t fun, and I helped plenty of people through it that were worse than you. You’ve got nothin’ to feel bad for, not in my eyes.” 

The way Jasper is looking at me brings so many emotions to the forefront that I can’t name them, or even pinpoint them. More than anything, I just wish I could cry. Cry for myself, cry for him, cry for every mistake I’ve ever made in my life that was outside of my control, or unavoidable at best. The softness on his face, the tenderness of the way he’s looking at me is almost more than I can stand. I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me with so much emotion shining through their eyes. His hand reaches up, soft as a whisper to brush a strand of hair behind my ear. My eyes flutter closed against my volition, the emotions present too intense to be seen, too beautiful to be broken by my gaze, too precious to be accepted without argument. I couldn’t argue with anyone so alluring, so ready to love me with all of my imperfections. I’m too selfish to insist I don’t deserve it. 

I can feel Alice’s delicate hand on my cheek, warm and lovely, and tilting my head towards her. I meet her eyes, looking up through my lashes, and the warmth in her eyes takes my breath away. The world stops turning, in that instance. Everything stops with the way she’s looking at me. 

“Take your time, Bella. We’ll be here, and we’ll take care of you.” Alice’s voice is a promise that I deserve it, deserve them, even when everything is broken. Her hands drop into her lap. “We’ve got a few hours before we have to put in appearances at school. Let’s get dressed, and I’ll show you the library. It’s always quiet there.” She squeezes my hand and it feels like an apology. I stand with her, and Jasper takes the empty cup from my hands. 

We don’t pass anyone on the way up to her room, and I’m grateful. It’s embarrassing. It takes me a moment to realize that they’re probably helping put Edward back together. I’m not sure how any of that works, but now isn’t the time to find out. Jasper doesn’t follow us up to the room, and I’m grateful. Everything has gotten suddenly heavy. 

“Here you go.” Alice tosses me a pair of jeans and a flannel from the closet, and it’s perfect. 

“I’m glad you’ve finally decided to respect my taste in clothes. This is lesbian chic right here.” Alice rolls her eyes, but laughs at my joke regardless. 

“I’m sure it drives the ladies wild, Bells. The fact that you’ve never had a girlfriend definitely attests to that.” Alice is busy changing in the closet, so I change quickly while she’s distracted. 

“Ouch. You wound me.” I scoff, putting my hand over my heart in mock offense. 

“You wish.” Alice meets my eyes, her expression promising a mix of pleasure and pain, showing her pure delight to give it to me. Before I can say anything, she turns, not waiting for me to follow her to the library. I shiver while she can’t see, catching up quickly. In another part of the house I can hear a hushed, one sided discussion. Edward is the only one speaking, and he’s keeping it quiet. 

“I was here first. I won’t  _ leave _ .  _ Not for her _ .” The whisper is harsh, and I stop in my tracks before Alice pulls me forward. We come to a set of double doors, which Alice pulls open with a flourish. 

“The Library.” Her arms sweep across the room, then quickly close the doors behind me before I can hear the rest of the argument somewhere else. “It has the best soundproofing available. Literally the best. Carlisle personally funded it’s creation so we’d have a respite. Living with so many other people, it’s come in handy. Honestly, being in a room that’s absolutely quiet can become unnerving quickly, but I thought you’d appreciate it, after all that.” 

“Thanks.” My eyes take in the truly massive room, filled to the brim with books, and peace settles in my bones. This is exactly what I need, my exact comfort zone, tailor made to help me. “So, uh… How much damage did I do?” 

“You tore off several of his limbs, and nearly ripped his throat out.” Alice’s voice is matter-of-fact, and I gulp. “He’s okay, and putting vampires back together is surprisingly simple. Venom will instantly bond the wounds, and repair all the damage. He’s still going to school today.” 

“I still feel pretty bad.” I walk towards the nearest shelf, running my fingers along the spines.

“You shouldn’t. He knew what would come to him if he provoked a newborn.” Alice runs her hand down my back before leaving without much ceremony. I have a lot to think about, and it’s easier to do alone. 

The library seems to be arranged by the Dewey decimal system. Carlisle has an entire bookshelf that’s just the first editions of the classics, including Jane Austen. It immediately catches my eye, the immaculate condition daunting. Of course all his books are well kept. He’s had who knows how long to take proper care of them. It’s a far cry from the battered copy that’s seen the inside of my back pocket more than once. Renee got me the anthology when it started falling apart. 

I probably shouldn’t think about Renee. I should probably think about how desperate I was to kill Edward. Everyone insists that it’s normal, but can I live with myself, wanting to hurt someone so badly? He hurt me, keeps hurting me, keeps trying to control me for the upper hand, but how far is too far?  _ Probably as far as I went _ . The thought is uncomfortable, but I don’t let it get away from me. If I can lose myself so easily to anger, what’s keeping me from losing myself entirely? Newborns are impulsive, etc, but  _ I’m not _ . I’ve never been an impulsive person, and that shouldn’t change just because I’ve been turned. Where was logic and reasoning when I needed it most, 10 minutes ago? Completely lost. If I can block out Edward’s stupid mind control shit, then why can’t I block out stupid newborn shit? It’s all locked up in my brain somewhere, right? I guess I won’t really know unless I have someone ‘testing’ me. Like hell that’s going to happen anytime soon. 

Of course there isn’t a conveniently labelled ‘Book that tells you how to be a vampire’. The next best thing is probably a book on mindfulness. Luckily I memorized the Dewey decimal system at a young age. If I can control myself mentally, it’ll make the physical aspect easier. If I can retreat inside my head, maybe I won’t lash out as much. It’s just another desperate search to figure out why my brain works the way it does, and I’m thrown back to when I was 13, and terrified of asking the service desk at the phoenix library where books on developmental disabilities were. This is a lot easier, and a lot less scary. 

It only takes me a moment to find a few books on meditation, and controlling your thoughts and emotions. Reading them only takes a matter of minutes, making the process a lot less daunting than I’d originally thought. Most of it were things I’d mastered as a human, examining my emotions to see what caused them, spending hours wrapped up in my head trying to figure myself out, trying to make life easier on me. Now I just have a better brain that I have to push a little harder to sweep every corner of my thoughts. 

Introspection is still a daunting and exhausting process, and by the time Alice comes to the library several hours later, I’m tired of it. 

“We’re leaving soon. I just wanted to check up on you before we left.” I smile as convincingly as possible, which is easier as a vampire. Alice’’s mildly worried expression clears a bit.

“I’m fine. I’ve just been doing some light reading.” I gesture to the now empty table in front of me with a grin. “There’s so much to read that I’m not sure where to even begin, honestly. I’m tempted to just reread my favorites for a while.” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Esme will probably be in the studio if you need her. Do you want me to show you?” Alice holds out her hand, and I take it. 

“Sure.”

“Now, I know you’re not very artistic, but please feel free to use any of the supplies in the studio. They’re mostly mine, Jasper’s, and Esme’s.” Alice speaks as she leads me through the house, stopping in front of a door I’d never noticed before. Soft music is playing inside. 

Alice cracks the door open, leading me inside. “Esme? I’m giving Bella a tour before I leave for school.” 

“Oh, hello dears. Did you need me to take over?” Esme’s smile is sweet when she turns from her watercolor. 

“No, the only place I missed is the greenhouse. Carlisle can give a better tour than I can, so we’re stopping here.” Alice smiles, then turns and leaves with no warning, leaving me awkwardly in the doorway. 

“Come in, Bella. Don’t be shy.” She turns back to her watercolor and I step closer to get a better look at it. She’s painting a hibiscus flower in detail, soft pinks turning to soft yellows towards the edges, a beautiful mastery of watercolor. 

“You’re very good.” I stammer out the compliment, looking around at the rest of the room. There’s a lot of paintings on the wall, some flowery watercolors obviously made by Esme, and other’s western themed, presumably by Jasper, but my favorite reminds me of Arizona, though it could be any desert. “Did Jasper do these?” I gesture to the wall. 

“Yes. He loves to paint things that remind him of where he came from.” Esme continues her painting, adding background as we speak. In front of the window are several easels, all empty at the moment except the one Esme is using. In the corner to the left of those is a large shelf filled with totes carrying fabric. Full bolts of fabric are stored on a shelf next to that, organized by color. It’s beautiful, in its own way. Alice’s sewing station seems dwarfed by the large shelves. She has another shelf that’s just antique sewing machines, and sketchbooks that look full to bursting with designs. 

The window has a bench in front of it, and the shelves underneath it are full of every art supply I could think of. Even some that I haven’t heard of. 

“Do you have any interest in arts?” Esme breaks me out of my reverie, and I turn to her. 

“I-I’ve never really tried anything. I’ve never thought about it.” I sit on the window bench, content to just watch life outside as the sun rises, casting the valley in beautiful orange light. It brings warmth to the cold greenery. “Alice seems to think I’d like photography. I’ve never tried.” 

“You could give it a try. There’s the camera Jasper used, and we have our own picture printer, so getting them developed isn’t a problem. Rosalie has wanted a dark room for ages. You could try talking to her about film photography if you’re interested. That reminds me, he left these for you. Alice has scrap booking supplies here, practically since she met you. She likes to be prepared.” Esme chuckles, a delightful sound. 

I pick up the folder she indicated, and flip through the pictures. The first one I see is Emmett throwing me up in the air, and it brings a smile to my face. There’s at least a few members of my new family who are glad to have me here. All but one, actually. Rosalie doesn’t seem to hate me anymore, if she ever did. I  _ did _ put their family in danger before. All of the photos bring a soft smile to my face, and I’m suddenly glad Jasper took them. I may have a perfect memory now, but it’s nice to have physical reminders. The doubt I cast on myself, and my memories, can’t affect pictures. Not when everyone looks so pleased. Maybe having a scrapbook to look through would be nice. I’m already imagining the way I’d arrange them, the colors I’d use. Maybe Alice was right. I can hear two cars pulling out of the driveway, and I know they’re gone. 

In a flash I’ve got the bin of scrapbook supplies on the floor in front of me, separated into piles around me. There’s a large table on the other side of the room, but sitting on the floor helps my thoughts spread out without worrying about it all fitting. 

“I knew you’d find something.” I look up, and Esme is smiling. “I’m glad you’re finding your place.” 

For the next half hour or so, I organize, and reorganize the photos on the page, grouping them into the best arrangement. After I’ve picked a few photos for each page, I frame them in card stock, and arrange everything how I want before gluing them down. The process is soothing, and it lets me get out of my head, at least for a little bit. Until I come across the gap in pictures that is my fight with Edward, and it all comes crashing back onto me. 

I freeze, and try to remember the mindfulness techniques I read about. Remembering is easy, but not letting my emotions overwhelm me is just as hard as it’s always been. When I finally get everything under control, I let out a sigh. “Esme?” 

“Yes dear?” She doesn’t turn, focused on her painting, and I’m grateful.

“I don’t know how to deal with Edward. I hate being here and knowing that everything is so fucked up. I hate that I could’ve killed him, and that I can’t control myself. I don’t know how to fix any of this. It feels like everything has to happen ‘in time’, which is such bullshit. I want to be proactive about making things suck less.” I move on with the scrapbook while I talk, trying to focus on the happier memories presented here, and writing in cute little descriptions for every page. 

“I know it’s frustrating being a newborn, and feeling like you don’t have control over your life. There are small things you can do to take back control, and how you choose to spend your time is one of them. Edward is causing a lot of trouble now, and I had a talk with him about provoking you and Alice. I’m hoping that Carlisle can talk at least a little more sense into him. He’s not even the newborn!” Esme throws her hands up, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her show real emotion. “The point remains that his behavior is  _ not _ on you. As much as I hate to talk badly about one of my children, his behavior is unacceptable, now and when you were dating. Had I known… It’s too late now. I don’t want you to think I’d let one of my boys climb through a girl’s window without her consent.” She scowls, still angry about it. 

“Thanks. It’s hard not to engage, but it’s probably for the best. I’d love nothing more than to be able to ignore him, but he makes that hard.” I’m on the last page of my scrapbook this far, and the finishing touches are quick. “I just don’t know how to fill my time. There’s so many options.” 

“You seem like you’d like to keep busy. Have you considered something you can do with your hands while you watch something? Like knitting, or crochet, or even embroidery. There are plenty of crafty options for you.” Esme finishes her painting, and frames it in a simple white frame, placing it in an empty spot on the wall just it’s size. “I have to rotate them out, I have so many. Jasper is always fighting me for wall space.” Esme laughs, carefree. “Maybe one of these days we’ll build an art gallery. I’ll be around, just shout if you need me. Carlisle has blood for you in the fridge if you’d rather not hunt by yourself.” She smiles at me, then sweeps out of the room, disappearing somewhere else in the house. I take a moment to admire the wall of paintings stretching high towards the ceiling. One day I’ll have as many things that I’ve done to show off. I’ll figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my tumblr @effervescent-hoe and the pinterest board for this fic! It's mostly Jasper's paintings, tbh, and Alice's dress in a future scene ;) guess which dress


	5. Adjustments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella learns how Carlisle and Jasper like to spend their free time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response to this has been phenomenal. I will reply to everyone's comments soon! Life has just gotten a bit out of hand. This chapter almost didn't make it out today, but I can't wait to see how you react to this one. :3 All your comments make my day.

It’s several hours later that I hear Carlisle arrive, and my thirst is getting annoying enough that it’s a valid excuse to go to the kitchen, so I do. I’m already drinking from one of the cups with a ridiculous straw that Alice set up for me when he walks in the door. I pretend not to hear the overly sweet greeting Esme gives him, turning my back to give them a private moment. 

“Bella, I’m glad you’re around.” I turn when Carlisle greets me, giving an awkward half wave. “Has Alice shown you the greenhouse yet? I was just headed there.” 

“Uh, no she hasn’t.” I stammer out the words, anxiety getting the best of me still. I throw the empty Styrofoam cup in the kitchen trash, and he gestures down the hall.

“It’s this way, I’ll give you the tour.” His smile is friendly, and it puts me slightly at ease. I still can’t shake the feeling that no one wants me around, but that’s been my entire life. 

“Thanks.” Carlisle leads the way, through a smaller back door I hadn’t noticed at the end of the hall. There’s a stone path that leads towards the woods on a side of the house I hadn’t seen before. When we round the corner, I see it. It’s a large, triangular greenhouse, with clear glass and a warm wood. There’s another outbuilding next to it that has a smaller attached greenhouse on the side. 

“Wow, I didn’t even realize this was here.” I’m amazed that such a large building, two large buildings, could be hidden away back here.

“We built them the first time we moved to the area. Well, The building came later, a few years ago, but the greenhouse was built in 1936. Over the years I’d built up quite a collection of rare plants, and I still have a greenhouse in New York with specimens that were too delicate to move. For the years before Edward was created, they were some of my only company. These are my favorites.” Carlisle opens the door to the greenhouse, gesturing to a large array of pitcher plants by the door. 

“A lot of people don’t like carnivorous plants, but I find myself rather fond of them. If I can love something many deny because of how it sustains itself, then what’s to stop someone from feeling the same about me?” Carlisle strokes the edge of one of the leaves gently, a caress. “That thought sustained me for many years until I met Esme.” His voice has dropped slightly, but quickly picks back up. “I digress. Here, I have a few rarer species of flowers. Esme likes to paint them on sunny days, and I can’t say I don’t see why. The greenhouse really comes alive on sunny days. I look forward to showing you the experience.” 

Carlisle gestures to an array of vibrant flowers, many that I’ve never seen before, and the scent of them is almost overwhelming. It’s so sweet, and absolutely lovely. It reminds me of Esme. “They’re very pretty.” Wow, what a lame sentence. “I look forward to seeing it.” That’s a little better, but still massively impersonal.  _ Try harder _ . “I know all this was pretty unexpected. How do you feel about me being here?” Apparently holding a personal conversation means diving into the deep end immediately.  _ Great job, me _ . 

Carlisle chuckles, probably at how tactless I am. “It’s a pleasant surprise, I assure you. I probably wouldn’t have chosen this for you, had you had another choice, but Edward was being obstinate. From the moment he chose you, chose how to react to you, how to treat you, he brought you into our world. The baseball game only made it clearer that there was no going back for you. He was fooling himself for thinking he could delay the inevitable, or even prevent it altogether.” While he’s talking, Carlisle starts his daily care for the plants, starting an obviously well practiced routine. “I understand the anxiety that being here can bring you. I’d like to reassure you that no one has a problem with it.”

“There’s one person.” I mutter under my breath, lightly touching a purple flower, Freesia, that’s suspiciously close to my favorite color. 

“I can’t excuse his behavior, but things will take time to settle. He fancied himself in love with you, in love with the idea of you, perhaps, the version of you that can be anything he wants, because he can’t read your mind. Edward’s never been in love, never come close, with how well he knows people’s minds. I reckon it was an . . .  _ overwhelming _ experience for him. Settling is likely the same. You shouldn’t take it personally, as personal as he’d like to mean it. It’s not your fault.” Carlisle’s voice is serene, unbothered by the entire prospect, and it’s somewhat freeing. I don’t  _ have _ to care about everything, micromanage it to death to make Edward less miserable in his existence. 

I don’t even  _ want _ to spare his feelings, but the urge to smooth everything over, lay down so things go back to normal, go back to being easy is overwhelming. “Thanks. It’s nice to hear a less involved perspective. Even though I have so much room in my head now, it’s easy to get too wrapped up in everything. It’s hard for me to see things from another point of view.” Admitting it is hard, but I have to make an effort to be open with my new family. Even though it isn’t something I’ve ever talked to Charlie about, not after Renee’s reaction. 

“I can understand. Being a newborn is overwhelming. You have much more to worry about than my son’s feelings, and he should realize the world doesn’t revolve around him. Look at this specimen here.” Carlisle leads me over to a corner that has a plant sample that looks like moss. It’s sectioned off in a cooler area of the greenhouse, with a few other plants. “ _ Vittaria appalachiana  _ is completely unfinished. Or completely finished, however you look at it. It’s completely abandoned half of it’s reproductive cycle. More than half, honestly. It’s a fern. It’s absolutely unbelievable and shouldn’t survive where and how it lives, but it does. The details of how and why are unknown, for now, but I’ve always liked it. It’s unexplained, like many aspects of our existence. Shouldn’t, but we are.” 

I appreciate the change in subject, as random as it is, but it still leaves me at a loss for words. “What’s in the smaller greenhouse?” I ask after a few awkward moments have passed.

“Those are plants specifically for vivariums that Jasper builds. I take it he hasn’t shown you the building?” Carlisle smiles. 

“No, what else is there?” I ask, looking over at the building in question. 

“I think I’ll leave that to him. He can do it better justice than I. We have so much land here that we can have many outbuildings devoted to a specific interest that doesn’t always fit in the house. Rosalie has her garage she shares with Emmett around the other side, I have my greenhouse, Esme has the studio, and I’m sure eventually she’ll build the gallery she’s always wanted, and Jasper, and by extension Alice, have that building. I’m sure you’ll find your niche.” Carlisle smiles at me, finishing up his tasks. “I’ve got some paperwork to attend to, but you’re welcome to stay. You’re welcome to come and go as you please here.” 

“Thanks, Carlisle. It’s nice out here.” I give him a genuine smile, looking around at the life surrounding me. He leaves me alone in the greenhouse to my thoughts, and I find myself going back to the purple Freesia. It strikes me in the same way the nail polish did, but less sincere. I’ve never particularly loved Freesia, despite what Edward thinks.  _ Just because my blood smells like it, doesn’t make it my favorite _ . I roll my eyes. Of course he would have one here. Had I told him my real favorite, would there be sunflowers lining the walls of the greenhouse instead? But he didn’t care to make sure it was my favorite anyways. He assumed he was right based on what? Nothing. Not enough. 

This brings anger to the forefront of my emotions, but instead of giving in, I picture just crumpling up the emotion and throwing it away. It sort of works, like if I missed the trash can, and the thought that I have to deal with it is looming over me, but it’s not so overwhelming. Maybe my aim will get better. I snort. Who am I kidding?

I head back to the house, and I can hear movement in other rooms, whispered conversations that I don’t even  _ want _ to hear. It’s getting easier to block out with time. I end up back in Jasper and Alice’s, and now I guess my room, and turn on the tv. I’m glad Alice either has, or managed to steal my copy of the 5 hour pride and prejudice. It’s familiar enough for background noise, but interesting enough to hold my attention, even just slightly. 

Only an hour later I’m so bored it’s painful, and I come to the conclusion that I might have to beg Alice to teach me a skill that engages my hands while I watch stuff. Sitting still is painful. It’s not like I can just go for a run by myself, as if I’d even want to. Maybe to escape the monotony of not having any hands on interests. Wow, what did I even used to do with my life? 

_ Take care of other people _ . It’s not a helpful answer, but it’s truer than I like, and I sigh. Only an hour or so until school is out, and I can live a much more interesting life. 

Jasper walks in first, and finds me upside down on the couch, my head hanging off the front watching Pride and prejudice, with my legs crossed, and pressed against the back of the couch, folding in on myself. It’s a position I like when I need some kind of sensory input, and it’s much easier now that I don’t have to worry about blood rushing to my head and making me dizzy. 

“Hi.” 

“Hello, Bella.” His voice is weirdly formal, and I realize how weird this all is at once, but don’t move. 

“What’s in your building?” I can hear Alice arguing with Edward downstairs, but ignore it. It’s not my bridge to burn.

“I can show you, madam?” Jasper gives a formal bow, and offers his hand to me, acting like a true southern gentleman, and it brings a smile to my face, despite the commotion I know is centered around me that’s happening on the front lawn. I take his hand, but don’t turn myself right side up just yet, instead looking at his fingers above me, all the callouses that must be hundreds of years old. Working hands. 

“I guess I never considered that your hands would still be calloused.” With an unceremonious flop I turn myself around, standing to join him. He offers me his elbow, and I take it, letting him lead me downstairs and out the back door I went through earlier. 

“How was school?” The question is out before I can consider how stupid it is.

“Jessica and Angela are worried about you. I think they miss you.” If Jasper’s words don’t just cut straight to the heart of the issue. It pains me slightly to think about them. I wasn’t a great friend to them, in all honesty. Maybe I should’ve tried harder. 

“I didn’t think anyone would miss me.” My voice is morose, too close to the truth for my liking.

“Of course your friends missed you, Bella.” We’re walking at human speed to the greenhouse, and he holds the door for me. 

“I guess I hadn’t considered that they were really my friends.” I shrug, turning towards the plants here for a change of subject. “You have lots of moss.” 

“I like to propagate moss for my reptile enclosures. I prefer to keep them in bio active setups.” Jasper’s voice is even, and I spin to look at him, almost falling over. He grabs my elbow to steady me. 

“Reptiles!?” My voice is incredulous, but I’m also excited. “That’s what you keep in here?” 

“I have a lot of reptiles. They aren’t afraid of us, or at least not to the extent that mammals are, and they remind me of home. I can keep the venomous ones, and they can’t hurt me. It’s truly a snake keepers dream. The rattlesnakes are my favorite. Would you like to see? I also have a variety of toads from South America, and poisonous frogs. Making vivariums for them can take a lot of time, so it’s very fulfilling.” Jasper leads me to the door into the building, and I follow him inside. 

There’s custom shelves that fit various tanks perfectly, with room for heat lamps, and tank access. I can see shelves on the far side of the room that hold plastic bins full of food. Various insects hop around inside. Every tank looks like a snapshot from their natural habitat, and it’s incredible. 

“I have 22 snakes, and 35 frogs. A lot of the poison dart frogs share a tank.” Jasper gestures to the end of the room, and I notice a massive tank that you could step into. It looks like a piece of wild jungle captured just for the frogs. “Not all of my tanks can be so involved, but my ultimate dream is to have a room that’s just like that. A mini ecosystem that sustains itself fully that I can observe.” 

“That’s incredible.” The level of care and attention to detail leaves me speechless. 

“Would you like to hold one? A snake that is. I have a boa that’s pretty friendly toward vampires.” Jasper is already opening the front of one of the tanks and pulling out a boa constrictor. It immediately wraps itself around Jasper’s arm like he’s a branch, moving and squeezing. “He tries his best to squeeze me, but he’s still a baby. He really wishes he could hurt me.” Jasper chuckles softly, looking at the snake with clear affection. 

“Sure, I’ve never held a snake.” Jasper uses his non snake arm to arrange my arms. 

“Just stay really still, and let him climb over you. It feels really weird at first, just so you’re prepared.” I turn myself into a statue, not daring to breathe as he connects our hands, letting the snake bridge up my arm. The scales are cold, but don’t feel as weird as I’d feared. What does feel weird is the undulating way it moves its body, and the squeezing sensation around my arm. The snake wraps around my neck, and I try to relax. It almost feels like a weird massage. Jasper gives me an encouraging smile, and I return it a little shakily. The pressure is definitely pleasant, as weird as it sounds, like a specific and oddly shaped weighted blanket. Maybe having a constrictor wrapped around my entire wouldn’t be that bad, at least not as a vampire. 

“Okay, this is actually pretty cool.” I admit, smiling at Jasper. 

“I knew you’d think so. Let me put him back, and I can give you a tour of the animals I have.” Jasper gently unwinds him from my body, his hands brushing against my neck with care, and trailing down my arm. I’m very glad I lost the ability to blush. 

“What’s his name?” I ask once he’s back in his tank. 

“I, uh- I actually named him noodle.” Jasper looks down, abashed, and I giggle. 

“That’s adorable. Noodle. I love him.” I press my finger into the glass, pointing at him in his tank, and smile. “Noodle. Okay, I’ve said the word too much, it sounds like a fake word now.  _ Noodle. _ How’s that even a real word?” 

Jasper chuckles, and leads me to the next tank, pointing out a rattlesnake. “You’ll have to ask the Germans, darlin’. I don’t know. Esme’s the one who studied linguistics.” I know he can tell how his casual use of pet names affects me, so I focus on the tank in front of me instead of his hand that’s grabbing mine. “This is my personal favorite. I caught her in Texas myself when Alice and I went back there a few years ago. I named her Ruby.” As he speaks, Ruby’s tail rattles, and it brings a smile to my face. 

“Cool. I’ve never been this close to a rattlesnake. With all the warnings I expected to come across more of them in Phoenix than I did.” I turn to look up at him, and startle when I realize he’s looking at me. This is suddenly much more intimate than I was expecting it to become, just staring into his golden eyes surrounded by the scents of home. Everything about him draws me in, and I can’t help the thoughts flitting through my head. Do I want to kiss him? Hasn’t it all been a bit too fast? My whole body feels alive at the thought of what it’d be like, pressed up against him. My mental imagery is getting out of hand, but he’s not pulling away. 

The moment shatters like glass, skittering in every direction when the argument I’ve been pretending isn’t happening gets louder, Edward’s voice penetrating my skull, inescapable. “She doesn’t know what it’s like! She doesn’t understand how much of a monster she’ll become, how awful it is. She can’t see how it’ll eat away at her until she’s not Bella anymore.” Jasper is out of the building before I can even think about moving, and I’m left alone in the reptile house. Maybe I’ll just stay here, and wallow for a while. 

It’s easier at this point to just sit on the floor in front of the frogs. Watching them helps keep my anger in check, but after everything depression is more overwhelming than anger. What good does it do if I don’t want to kill him? Rile myself up and give him the reaction, but for what? So he can lord his superiority over me once again, his superior sense of self control? What’s the point? 

“You’re just upset she didn’t choose you.” Alice’s voice is fierce in defense of me. The thought of them continuing to fight over me, like I’m not here, makes me sick. 

“She would have, had you not put ideas in her head! I would’ve killed James and we could’ve lived happily ever after. She could finish high school, could still blush when I look at her, would still be lovely, fragile,  _ human _ .” The venom in Edward’s voice shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, but It still sounds harsher than I’d ever expected of him. 

“Her being human isn’t more important than her being happy.” Jasper speaks up in my defense, and just the fact that they’re having this argument again makes me want to scream. I stand, finally unable to stay put. 

“You’re only defending her because you want to sleep with her. Is Alice not enough anymore?” Edward’s tone is mocking, and I hear a rumble of a growl outside. I’m out the door before a moment can pass, placing myself directly between them. 

“What the fuck is your problem? Please, enlighten me, so you can stop attacking your siblings for no good reason. I'm the one you're mad at, so take it out on me.”

“You won't listen to me. I just want to make sure you're making the right choices. I still  _ care _ about you, Bella, but you're too stubborn to believe I just want what's best for you.”

“And you're too stubborn to believe this  _ is _ what's best for me. I don't want to take care of people for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the weakest link in a world that's out to get me, and you can't deny that I was.  _ You  _ brought me into this life, so you can't be mad that I decided to stay.” Anger is heating up my voice, but I'm more in control than I was last night. “You've been against me becoming a vampire from the get go, and I don't know what you think gives you the right to make choices for me.”

“Because I know better. I've been a vampire for almost a century, and I know what it's like.”

“How many times have you overridden my opinion because you 'know better'? How many times have you refused to believe me, even when I'm telling the truth? For the entirety of our relationship you always kept me one step behind, in the dark, and you've made it clear that my comfort doesn't matter when you can make me forget about it to get your way. I don't care about your opinion, and I don't trust your judgment when it comes to my life. You don't value my inputs, and I'm done.” 

“Bella... “ His voice sounds almost broken, and for a moment I feel bad for him. 

“You don’t know me. You don’t know what’s important to me, or what I care about, or anything under the surface, and you need to accept that. I’m done listening to you act like you own me. Either make the effort or shut the fuck up, and apologize.” I turn, and leave all three of them standing behind me in the yard. How did things get so complicated? I find myself walking towards the garage where I can hear Rosalie and Emmett goofing around. 

“Hey, I promised you an arm wrestling match.” I stand in the doorway, letting my eyes linger over Rose, who’s in a pink mechanic’s jumpsuit under the jeep, before meeting Emmett’s eyes. He doesn’t ask, and I know he heard the whole exchange. 

“Hell yeah!” Emmett fist pumps the air, taking off into the forest, leaving me to catch up with him. It brings a smile to my face. He stops when we come across a relatively flat boulder that’s almost out of hearing range of the house. 

He crouches, holding out his arm on the rock, and I line myself up. “You’re on.” I smirk, pushing my worries out of my mind. 

“Ha, I bet I can beat you.” Emmett starts pushing down on my arm, and I hold him steady for a solid 30 seconds before pushing back on his arm slowly. I could win right now, but what fun is that? 

“You wish.” I punctuate my sentence by pushing his arm most of the way down before I stop. 

“You’re fuckin’ with me!” His laughter is loud and joyous, and it pulls a laugh out of me. 

“You guys are stuck with me now.” I push his arm down with all my force, shattering the rock underneath us, and he whoops in delight. 

“You’ll be a great little sis.” Emmett picks me up and spins me around again. “I need another agent of chaos in this family.” 

“I wonder how far you could throw me?” The words pop out with a laugh before I can consider that it might be a dangerous thought to voice. 

“Let’s find out!” I can’t contain my laughter as Emmett holds me above his head by my waist. I straighten my limbs into an appropriately aerodynamic shape just as Jasper appears. 

“No.”

“Yes.” I argue, and then it’s too late. Emmett is chucking me like a javelin in the direction away from the house, and I’m soaring through the air, laughter trailing behind me. I can hear someone running underneath me, desperate to catch up. , but I don’t care. I must’ve gone over a mile, maybe two, before my trajectory starts trending downwards, and I realize why this might’ve been a bad idea. 

I’m diving towards the ground, somehow missing trees that are flying past me, and mild fear sets in. I didn’t think about stopping, and the ground is rapidly approaching. Oh well, not like it can hurt me. Before I can decimate the forest underneath me, Jasper jumps up to intercept me. My body slams into his like a crack of thunder, audible for miles. The boom is unprecedented, and it makes me laugh. I can hear him laughing in spite of himself. 

We crash into the ground with spectacular force, his back hitting first with me on top of him. I can’t help the peals of laughter, and I suddenly feel lighter than I have in a while, pure joy lighting up my system. Jasper is chuckling underneath me, but it dies down when I look down at him, suddenly aware of the way I’m pressed against him and his hands on my waist, holding me in place. 

I put my hands on his chest, pushing myself up slightly, but he doesn’t let me get very far. My breath stutters in my throat before I give up on breathing entirely, just taking in the way he looks underneath me, the devoted look in his eyes. “I’ll always be here to catch you.” His words are whispered, and I have to close my eyes against the feeling in them. I let my forehead drop, pressed against his, and just breathe in his scent, tracing over his features in my mind, letting myself linger on the looks he gives me, the overwhelming sense of safety I’ve felt in his presence since I was turned. He has always caught me, hasn’t he? 

Even as I’m thinking about it, I know he can feel the moment I’ve made my decision. He shifts under me, just enough that his nose is sliding past mine, moving slower even than humans. My breath catches, bringing me the taste of him moments before our lips are pressed together. His mouth moving against mine, cautious, sweet, lovely, makes my dead heart beat, the ghost of it echoing in my chest from the fire burning through me. 

He pulls back, stopping for just a moment before I’m kissing him again, just as gently, letting myself feel everything. The taste of him in my breath, on my tongue, is more than I’d ever imagined, bringing me home and drowning me in an ocean all at once. I can’t help sliding my hands back up into his hair. I take care to be gentle, keeping in mind that I’m no longer the breakable one. 

The feeling of kissing him is overwhelming, sensation taking over logic as I explore his mouth, letting my tongue drag over each of his teeth, getting lost in him entirely. His hands slowly slide from my hips to my shoulders, then down my arms as my kissing gets more intense, more vigorous until I feel like I’m being devoured, or devouring in turn. It’s getting away from me when his hands grip my wrists, slowly disentangling us. His forehead leans against mine, pulling back when I surge forward. 

“Easy, Darlin’.” His voice is rough in the most delicious way, and I hold back a groan. “Don’t let your feelings get ahead of you, not that I’m complainin’.” Jasper sits up underneath me, still holding my wrists between us. He transfers my wrists into one hand, the other coming up to stroke the hair out of my face.

“I’m sorry.” I don’t know why I’m apologizing, but I can’t meet his eyes. It definitely escalated outside of my control. At least one of us has self control. 

“You don’t have to be. You can like kissin’ me, even when you’re not over him. I’m a patient man, Bella. I waited years for Alice, I think I can wait as long as you need me to.” He chuckles slightly, pulling me forward so my head is resting on his shoulder. “Alice said you’d kiss me first, but I didn’t believe her. Guess she’s never wrong after all.” 

“Why didn’t you believe her?” The question pops out unbidden. 

“Why would you kiss me when she’s sittin’ there, cute as a button? I don’t know what either of you could see in me, but here you are. I think I’ll just count myself lucky to be here.” Jasper chuckles again, brushing another stray hair behind my ear before standing up, his arms wrapping around me to carry me with him. 

“Hey, no fair. Put me down!” I laugh, wiggling in his arms until he sets my feet on the ground. “I think there’s a lot to like about you, for the record.” 

“I know you do, Bells. Let’s go home, tell Emmett how far he threw you.” He takes my hand, and we take off back towards the house. Alice squeals with delight as soon as she can hear us coming, and I know she knows what happened. I groan, not prepared to handle her. 

“How far did you get?” Emmett interrupts anything Alice may have had to say, and I smile in gratitude. 

“Almost five miles.” Jasper answers for me. “I kept her from making a crater.”

“I heard.” Emmett waggles his eyebrows suggestively, and I can’t help but laugh at his ridiculous expression. I’m very glad a blush can’t give me away anymore. It’d be even more humiliating if everyone knew. I hear what sounds like glass shattering inside the house, and it hits me that it doesn’t matter that Edward can’t read my mind. He can read Jasper  _ and _ Alice’s. 

“Shit.” I mutter, glaring in the general direction of the house. 

“Not your problem.” Jasper’s hand comes up to rub my back lightly, and I relax back into him.

“Oh, so you actually did kiss her?” Emmett’s voice is louder than I’d like it to be, increasing my embarrassment tenfold. I refuse to meet anyone’s eyes. “Nice one.” 

“I’m leaving this conversation. Frogs can’t talk, and therefore can’t make fun of me.” I stalk across the yard to the reptile house, leaving the chuckles of all three behind me. I actually end up sitting in front of the tank of a large toad, watching it. It only takes a few moments for my actions to catch up with me, and shame to start burning through me. 

Did I really kiss him so quickly? What’s wrong with me, so easily able to jump into Jasper’s arms, only a week after leaving Edward? Not even a week. That makes it worse. No wonder Edward has such a low opinion of me. If my girlfriend dumped me then almost immediately starting going after my brother I’d probably say some less than flattering things too. My mood quickly spirals downwards, bottoming out at the kind of self flagellation that I haven’t indulged in since moving to Forks. It’s a cycle of all the awful things I’ve done, highlighted by all my social failures. The cherry on top is how awful a friend I’ve been to Jess and Angela. I used Jacob for vampire information! He’s just a kid, and I got his hopes up. Not to mention the pain I’ve put Charlie through. Has there been a single person in my life I’ve treated fairly? How they deserved? Edward’s words from earlier are echoing in my head, just bouncing around and beating me to death. 

When someone opens the door half an hour later, I’ve decided to just never move or interact with another human again. Or vampire.

“Bella?” 

“God, I’ve been so selfish, haven’t I? What you must think of me, throwing my life away without thinking about the consequences.” My voice is drowning in misery. 

“Bella, it’s okay. I’ve made much more selfish, and much worse decisions.” Rosalie steps into the room, taking a seat beside me. “I’d throw everything away to be human again, to have the opportunities you had, but we’re two very different people. For what it’s worth, I think you made the right choice.” 

“You do? Even though I’ve thrown your home life into chaos? I thought you’d hate me for it.” I keep my voice quiet, eyes on the frogs hopping around across the room. 

“I hated you for throwing it away for a man.” Rosalie chuckles without humor, looking away. “I threw away all my hope of happiness for a man, and I was afraid you’d do the same. My brother doesn’t deserve that kind of sacrifice, from you or anyone. He’s too stubborn to put you first, the way you deserve.” 

“Thanks, Rosalie.” 

“I still think you changed dangerously soon. If you ‘die’ to the world so soon after starting to date Edward, it puts a lot of pressure on us. I know you’re going to keep in contact with Charlie, but I wish you’d thought about the rest of us more. Our life is complicated enough as it is, but I didn’t come out here to yell at you. I guess I came out here to tell you that you’re allowed to be selfish. Wanting things and taking them won’t make anyone think less of you. Not anyone whose opinion matters anyways.” 

“It’s difficult to put myself first, after so long taking care of everyone else.” I scuff my shoes on the floor, fidgeting. 

“After a lifetime, when will you? If you don’t deserve to come first now, will you ever? Be selfish, Bella. Nobody is judging you, certainly not me.” Rosalie stands, and leaves silently, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 


	6. Taking Back Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella finally emails Charlie after he shows up at the Cullen house, which spurs her into emailing her friends as well. Alice really enjoys making her dresses, and forces her to try them on. Bella surprisingly likes them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, super sorry this is a day late! Life punched me in the face a little yesterday, but you get 2 chapters today as a bonus! Thanks again so much to everyone who commented, and subscribed to this!

Evening finds me in the studio with Alice, sitting on the floor as she works on a dress she’s designed. She’s talking a mile a minute about the detail work, and various design elements. Most of it is going over my head, but listening to her talk is soothing. She’s handed me a sketchbook, the latest one she filled, and I’m idly flipping through it, mostly watching her sew the different elements together, almost too fast for my eyes to follow. The fabric is a lovely purple with light, small dots. The dress itself is simple, strapless with three little bows adorning the front. It actually looks like something casual I wouldn’t hate, but I can’t tell her that. I think she knows anyways. She’s probably seen me wearing it. 

“This one is cute.” I point to a cap sleeved, button down dress. “Maybe in green?” Alice practically squeals in excitement, stopping her sewing to dig through a pile of clothing she’s made to throw the exact dress at my face, exactly as I’d imagined it. 

“Try it on! I saw this one in a vision months ago, and didn’t know why exactly.” She’s almost done with the simple dress she’s making, which I’m sure she’s going to force me into next. I go behind the screen she has by the fabric wall, quickly putting on the dress. It’s comfy, and fits me exactly. It’s not bad for a casual dress, and it’s growing on me the more I look at it. “Stop admiring yourself and show me!” Alice begs. 

I step out from behind the privacy screen, and she squeaks. “It’s perfect on you! You will actually wear this one, won’t you?” With the look she’s giving me, I’d agree to anything she asked. 

“I really like it.” I look down, stammering my reply. She puts me in front of a full length mirror, and I try to avoid looking at myself too closely, focusing instead on the detail of the dress, and Alice’s excitement behind me. I look the same as I’ve always looked, and it’s a bit of a sore spot. Nothing special, just Bella. I trace my toes along the lines of the hardwood floor. “It’s a nice dress, Alice.” I can’t keep the melancholy out of my voice, as much as I’d like to. The dress really is perfect, I’m just … not. 

“It looks lovely on you, Bella.  _ You _ look lovely. You always do.” Alice comes up behind me, gently lifting my chin to meet her eyes in the mirror. “I wouldn’t lie to you, Bella.” 

“You’re a biased judge.” I mumble, pulling my chin free. “Teach me something I can do with my hands. I want to watch so many things, but I can’t sit still.” I forcibly brighten my tone, turning to face her. 

Alice’s eyes are sad, but she accepts my subject change with grace. “There’s so many good options, but I think you should start with crochet. It’s easier than knitting and you’ll have more creative freedom. What do you want to make?” As she speaks, she flits around the room, opening a closet and disappearing into it only to reappear a moment later with a crochet hook and a warm orange yarn, with a fall gradient that travels through browns, yellows, and red. “It’s hand spun. I could get a better consistency, but I like the way it looks to have it chunky in places, and thinner in others. If it’s too difficult to work with from a beginner, I also have this.” She pulls out a warm, thick, brown yarn that I immediately love. 

“I’ll try whatever you think is best.” I take the fall yarn from her, and she puts the brown back, coming back with a funky multi-colored yarn that’s all over the place, and crazy in a way that screams Alice. 

“Let’s start with a simple square, just basic double crochet. I think everyone should know how to make a granny square. Actually, let’s do that second. Just plain single crochet to start. You should make a scarf. That’s what I wanted to do with this. Let’s go upstairs.” Alice is excited, practically bouncing up the stairs and I follow her. 

We end up sitting cross legged across from each other on the couch in her room, our knees pressed together. “Make a slipknot.” I try to follow her fingers, and end up with a passable loop. “Then just pull the yarn through the loop. That’s a chain, and the base for all your stitches. Do that 15 more times.” I fumble slightly, but she’s patient waiting for me to catch up. “Okay, now put your hook through the second chain from your hook, and wrap your yarn around the hook and pull through. Now just wrap your yarn around your hook, and pull through both loops. That’s your first stitch!” 

It looks okay, so Alice lets me finish the row without guidance, my fingers growing more sure after a few stitches. “To start a new row, just chain one, and turn your work, then keep crocheting.” She demonstrates for me, and I let myself zone out into the stitches, quickly picking up speed. Alice is still much faster than me, I can barely see her fingers at the speed they’re moving, but it’s coming along better than I’d imagined. Falling into the rhythm of it is soothing. Alice leaves the couch for a moment, turning on Buffy again, and I turn to watch it, ending up with my side pressed against hers. It’s nice to just sit in silence with her. There’s no pressure to fill it, just gentle companionship.

At the end of the first episode, her scarf is twice as long as mine, but I’m happy with my progress. The colors are nice, and I might actually wear it. Angela would love it. I wish I could give it to her, or even speak to her, make up for how awful I’ve been to both her and Jess. 

“If we’re telling Charlie, is there any reason I can’t tell Jessica and Angela I’m in Phoenix for a family emergency? I know it’s easier if I’m dead to everyone, but I miss them.” I miss how normal having human friends is, how much simpler it was. 

“I-” Alice seems touched, pleased that I’m considering them, maybe. “You’ll have to ask Carlisle, but I don’t see why not. I think it’d be good for you to have friends.” 

“I should tell Charlie.” I sigh, frowning down at my crochet. “How?” I know I’ve been putting the conversation off, but I’m just not sure what to tell him. I know he’s hurt, and it was wrong of me to put him through this. Maybe I’ll just email him. 

“Do you think it’d be better to call him, or email?” I hope Alice has answers I don’t. 

“I think that maybe it’ll be taken out of your hands.” Alice says vaguely, staring at a vague point across the room. “Jasper?” 

He appears in the doorway, concern written across his face. “What did you see?” 

“Charlie wants to come here, to see if we’ve heard from Bella. Can you take her a safe distance away, maybe towards Canada? She should go hunt anyways.” Alice looks worried, nearly pushing me off the couch. “Quickly, please.” 

I drop my crochet on the couch, and follow Jasper at a run out the back door. He grabs my hand as we reach the edge of the property, and I hear a car slowing towards the edge of the long drive. It must’ve been a last minute decision to stop by. Panic floods my system at the thought of being anywhere near Charlie, Jasper’s hand on mine the only thing keeping me steady. We’re out of earshot, and scent range, before his car hits the end of the drive. I finally let myself relax, stopping to lean against a tree ten miles out. 

“I wonder what she’s going to say.” I let my imagination get the best of me, picturing his heart broken face, and it pulls a dry sob from me. “How could I do this to him?” The words are broken, punctuated my heaving breaths. “He deserves a better daughter than me. He cared about me when no one else did, just wanted to take care of me, and this is how I repay him?” The words turn to a yell, and I scream into the forest. “Why can’t I for once think of the consequences? Why is every  _ single _ choice I make so fucking  _ stupid? _ I try as hard as I can to take care of people, to not hurt them, and I keep fucking it up. I just wanted to protect him, and now we’re here.” My voice breaks in a sob on the last word. “Why can’t I protect him?” 

“It’s not your responsibility to protect him.” Jasper’s voice is gentle, and I can’t look at him. 

“He deserves a better daughter, one who won’t keep breaking his heart.” I sit at the base of a large tree, hiding my face in my knees. 

“You’re the daughter he has, and he loves you, even when you mess up.” Jasper sits next to me, not touching but close enough for comfort. “You don’t have to take care of your parents, Bella, and you never should’ve had to in the first place. You haven’t failed them.” 

“I don’t know how to stop taking care of people. I don’t know how to stop basing my worth on how well I’ve done the job. It’s all I’ve ever had, the only value I held to Renee. When she stopped needing me to take care of her, when Phil took over, I felt so empty, like all my purpose had fled. I came here, so she could be happy without me, and we stopped having a relationship. I started taking care of Charlie, and it took over. I loved grocery shopping and being in charge of dinner. I loved taking care of him, and now I don’t know who I am without it.” Laying it all out exhausts me, even though I can’t get tired, and I close my eyes, burying my head in my arms. “The worst part is I can’t stop putting others first. All I could think about when I was crocheting was the things I could make for other people. I don’t even know what I’d make for myself, if I’d even want to. I don’t know what I want.” 

Jasper’s arm is gentle around my shoulder, and I lean into him, simultaneously taking comfort and feeling guilty that I can’t be what they need, not right now. “You don’t have to know what you want. You have all the time in the world to figure it out, darlin’. I’m not rushin’ you, and Alice certainly ain’t either. You wanna know what I think? I think you want a detail intensive shawl to throw yourself into to distract you from everything you’re feelin’. And when you’re done? You’ll feel better. It’s good to make things, to know that what you’re holdin’ was just a pile of yarn when you started.” Jasper squeezes me with one arm, planting a kiss on top of my head. 

“I know you’re not ready for all this, and we can pretend it never happened, if it makes it easier on you.” 

“I don’t know anything anymore. I just want things to be normal again.” I sigh, letting myself relax into him. “Thanks, Jasper.” 

We sit in silence together, just watching the sunset through the trees for another half hour before his phone vibrates, startling me out of my reverie. 

“Coast clear?” Jasper answers, squeezing his arm around me.

“He’s on his way home. I gave him Bella’s email, and said she’d email him, if he checked it. I told him the breakup was for real, and she’d kept in contact with me. I also told him that I didn’t know where you were, but that you were okay, and not sure if you’d come home.” Alice addresses the last bit towards me, knowing I’m listening.

“Thanks, Alice. I’ll email him tomorrow. We’ll be back after I hunt.” I sigh, pushing myself to my feet. 

“I’ll see you then.” Alice hangs up, and Jasper puts the phone away. 

“You want to hunt, then?” Jasper asks, looking down at me. 

“I should. I didn’t want to while Charlie was in the area, but I’m really thirsty.” The burning is persistent, but it’s starting to become noticeable again.   


~~

I’ve finished the scarf already when I sit down at the computer, trying to figure out what words will make this easier. I’ve started and deleted 17 different drafts so far, and it isn’t getting easier. 

Dad,

I’m sorry. I’m okay, really. I’m not in Phoenix anymore, but I can’t tell you where I am yet. I guess I just needed to go on a cliche, finding myself journey, but you know me. I’m keeping myself safe, and being responsible about everything. Before you ask, I haven’t joined any groups or anything so it’s definitely not a cult. It’s just me, figuring everything out. 

This email is really hard to write. I feel awful about the way I’ve hurt you. I wish I could be a better daughter to you, because you don’t deserve this. Please tell people who ask that Renee had an emergency I had to fly down and help with. If you’ve already told Billy, please listen to him when he tells you about the Cullens. I can’t tell you, but he might be able to. 

I didn’t leave because of them, though, and I don’t want you to blame them for it. Alice is a really good friend to me, and she’s also making sure nothing happens to me. I don’t know when I’ll be able to come home, but I miss you. 

Love, Bella. 

“Alice? Can you look over this, make sure I’m not saying too much?” I turn and find her already at my shoulder. 

“It’s fine, Bella. If Billy tells Charlie, then we can work with that. It’s unprecedented, but Charlie is a good choice. Even if he doesn’t believe Billy, it’s a starting point to you seeing him again one day.” Alice places her hand on my shoulder and I sigh before hitting send. There’s no turning back now. 

“I’m not emailing Renee.” 

“You don’t have to.” 

“Thanks, Alice. I think I’m going to sit here for a while.” I turn back to the computer, opening up a blank draft. Alice kisses the top of my head, and I smile a little. 

“I’ll be in the studio if you need me.” 

I type Angela’s email in the recipient box, then stare at the blinking cursor for a solid minute.

Hey Ang

Sorry I kinda just disappeared. My mom broke her leg, so I’m in Phoenix taking care of her while Phil’s away for baseball. It happened really quick, and I didn’t have a chance to do much more than hop on a flight. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I might just get my GED instead of worrying about school. I miss you guys though, and I hope we can keep in touch while I’m gone.    
How are you? Hope you guys don’t worry about me too much. I learned to crochet, so I might send you something to remember me by, lol.

Bella

Well, that’s one email down. Maybe I should just text her and Jess. Jessica is bound to have a ton of questions, mostly about the breakup. It’ll be less pressure to email her. 

Hey Jess,

I know I disappeared, but my mom actually broke her leg, and shipped me down to Phoenix to take care of her. It sucks, I know. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’ve missed you guys. Tell everyone I’m doing okay. 

BTW, I broke up with Cullen. He’s a self centered jerk just like you thought. Alice is cool though, I think you’d like her. Ask her about fashion. 

Bella

I guess that takes care of both of them. I send both the emails, and shut down the computer. Writing three emails shouldn’t take such a toll on me, but it did. I sigh, and drag myself upstairs, flopping on the bed in our room. Our room, that’s weird.  _ Our bed _ . I groan into a pillow, carefully navigating around the thought that it’s definitely big enough for three. Instead of thinking about anything related to rooms, or beds, or Jasper, or Alice, I dig out my Walkman, and Avril Lavigne’s Let Go Album. It’s been my go to album for complicated emotions, and it drowns out the rest of the house sufficiently. Laying face down with my head buried in what smells like Jasper’s pillow is easier now that I don’t have to breathe. 

Why’d you have to make things so complicated? How many times have I asked myself this question since I’ve been turned? Too many. Maybe I should just be selfish for a bit. Friends can cuddle, right? I mean, I’ve never cuddled a friend but it’s one of those things that theoretically could happen, without being weird. How many different ways am I going to have to justify it to myself before I ask for a hug? I sigh, banishing the thought. I can’t complicate things more if I just lay here instead.

Even after the awful argument, there’s still the thought that Edward still loves me wiggling around in my brain. I don’t know that I want to be with him, don’t know that I can be after everything, but just the fact of his love almost makes me want to give him another chance.  _ You don’t deserve them. You’re not perfect, not enough, so you should take what you can get, even if it’s flawed. _ The thought gnaws on me, and I can’t dismiss it. All I can do is wallow in how complicated the whole affair is. 

“Hey, Bella. Came for a vibe check. You’re moping.” Alice comes in half an hour later to find me still face down, listening to Avril Lavigne. 

“Moping? More like coping, am I right?” I don’t move, and she groans.

“I gave you an hour to mope, and now it’s time to get up. We’re going to sit and watch buffy, and you’re going to let me french braid your hair because it will look pretty with the dress I just finished making you.” Alice sits on the bed next to me, poking my side until I turn to look at her.

“Why am I putting on a fancy dress?” I take off my headphones, shutting the Walkman off. 

“Because I made it for you, and I want to see you in it. I think you’ll like it. I won’t make you dance, I promise.” Alice pulls me off the bed, a purple velvet contraption under her arm that I eye warily.

“No dancing?” I confirm. She nods enthusiastically. I notice that she has a soft pink dress under her arm that’s probably for her. “Okay, I’ll do it.” She hands me the purple dress, and I can’t help but love it. It’s a deep purple velvet with thin straps and a plunge neckline. The skirt is a-line, and the back plunges almost as far, but with ribbon lacing it up. 

“I also have shoes picked out for you.” Alice lays out her dress on the bed, and I glance at it, but the ruffles make it hard to figure out. I groan at her words. 

Alice turns, and pulls off her shirt with her back to me, and I catch my breath. I know she hears, know that she knows I’m looking as she reaches behind her to unhook the straps of a black lacy bra. I finally manage to kick my brain into gear enough to start changing as she hooks her fingers into the waistband of her jeans to pull them down. She’s doing all of this at a human speed, and I can’t tear my eyes away from the granite expanse of her back as I pull off my own shirt and bra. Her body looks so much softer than I could’ve imagined. Her jeans come off, exposing a small, completely lace pair of underwear, and I force myself not to stare at her butt, shucking my own jeans off and pulling the dress over my head, taking care to be gentle with the fabric. The dress fits perfectly, of course, and I turn away from her to admire it in the full length mirror. The back needs laced up, so the front is loose, but I’m sure it’ll be perfect. 

Alice comes up behind me, my body blocking the view of her dress in the mirror, and her hands are whisper soft against my back. “I knew you’d like it.” 

“I love it.” I stammer the words out softly, unable to meet her eyes. My breath catches when her finger runs up my spine, and I repress a shiver. My eyes flit up to hers, and the look in them makes my breath stop entirely. Her eyes are dark, filled with a hunger of a different kind. She looks like she could devour me, and I’d let her. Her fingers brush against my back as she laces up the back of my dress, and I can’t help the shiver of want flowing through me. She knows.  _ Of course she knows _ . 

“You’re all laced up.” She presses a kiss to the base of my neck where the ribbon is tied, and I bite my lip. “Do me?” She turns, and I face her, confusion showing on my face when I see the laces on the back of her dress need tightened. I allow myself a self indulgent moment of tracing my fingertips along the lines criss crossing her back before pulling the laces tight. Her skin is soft and warm under my hand, and I wish I didn’t have to stop when her ribbon is tied in a bow that hangs over the ruffles of her short, light pink skirt. 

She turns, and I have to remind myself to breathe, once again. “Wow, Alice.” The soft color brings out the warmth in her skin, and it fits her perfectly. I don’t know where to rest my eyes because looking at any part of her feels obscene, like I shouldn’t be allowed to see someone so breathtakingly beautiful. 

“Well? Do you like it?” She twirls for me, and the flash of her thighs underneath her skirt short circuits my brain. 

“It’s perfect.” I have to clear my throat to get the words out. 

“Let’s see what Jasper thinks.” Alice has a wicked look in her eyes as the door opens, and Jasper steps in, closing the door gently behind him. 

“If this house weren’t full a’ people, darlin’.” Jasper shakes his head, his voice throaty and eyes full of promise. He steps forward purposefully until he’s standing in front of Alice, eyes only for her. The pure devotion visible almost makes me want to look away from the tenderness of the moment. A single finger traces down her cheek, stopping under her chin to tilt her head up to his. Their faces are inches apart when he glances over at me and smirks. I almost melt, and then he’s dipping Alice, her back bending almost until her hair touches the floor, and I can’t breath. His hand supports her lower back, his other hand stroking her cheek so tenderly it hurts before he kisses her. 

Alice has one hand in his hair, and I can’t look away from the passionate display. He’s worshiping her mouth with tongue and teeth, biting her bottom lip until she groans, a soft, secret sound that goes straight to my core. His lips trace down the column of her throat, and I see a flash of teeth before she gasps, and I almost gasp with her from how erotic it is. He’s putting on a show, and it’s working. I know he can tell how it’s affecting me, the complete puddle I’ve become watching him ravish her. I’m not sure who I’d rather take the place of until Jasper does something with his tongue that makes Alice moan before she remembers they can’t go further, and I’d do anything to hear Alice make that sound again. 

I gasp at the sound, committing it to memory, and Jasper rises, pulling Alice up from the dip. Controlling my expression is the furthest thing from my mind, and Alice’s eyes sparkle when she looks at me, a mischievous grin lighting up her features. She sauntered over to me, and I can’t take my eyes off her face, completely at her mercy. 

Her hand comes up to delicately trace my face, caressing my cheek before stopping at my chin. “Close your mouth, Bella. You’ll get yours eventually.” Her thumb traces over my bottom lip, and I shudder, closing my eyes. 

“Is that a promise?” I can taste her in the words, letting my tongue flick over her thumb before I can think better of it. 

“Only if you ask for it.” I let my teeth scrape over the pad of her thumb, drawing it onto my mouth. She tastes even better than she smells, and I can’t help lavishing my tongue over her finger. Self control is out the window with the look she’s giving me. I’m a slave to her desires, willing to let her destroy me if it meant I could touch her for even a moment. 

“Please.” I can’t keep the needy whine from my voice, and she chuckles quietly, her eyes darkening imperceptibly. 

“Please, what?” She has me completely suspended, hanging on her every word and look until I could explode from the tension of it all. 

“Please kiss me.” Desperation tints my tone, but I don’t feel ashamed, not when she’s looking at me like I’ve gifted her the sun. Her smile is dark, delighted, full of promise and I’ve never wanted anything more than the taste of her on my skin. 

“The sound of you begging for me is more appealing than I ever could’ve dreamed.” Alice moves so slowly I almost surge forward to meet her in the kiss, but her hand slides into my hair to stop me before I can move. When her lips finally press into mine a gasp escapes into her mouth. She presses the opportunity, her tongue opening me up and taking me apart. My arms come up almost instantly to pull her closer. I can’t get enough of the way she tastes, the way her tongue feels in my mouth. I never thought kissing a girl could be so good, but I never want to do anything else. 

My desperation is almost rabid as I push into her, completely not breathing at the feeling of her hands on my skin under the laces of my dress. Her bare back is soft under my fingertips, and I have to remind myself to be careful with the fabric of her dress. My fingers easily slide to the small of her back, squeezing her hard enough to bruise a human but still not enough to even dent her self control. It’s when she does the same to me, grabbing my hips and  _ squeezing _ that I finally let out a moan that she swallows. Her hands move then, sliding up my torso and making me shiver before wrapping back around to my back. I’m completely lost to the feeling of her pressed against me, devouring me, when her nails drag down my back and I let out a high pitched whine. She chuckles then, eyes hungry and dark as her lips travel down my neck. 

“Alice.” The word is almost a gasp as her tongue slides over a sensitive spot. 

“Maybe we should move this somewhere more private.” Jasper’s voice is heavy, and I can feel the lust in his tone. I can feel my own lust amplified and pushed back on me, filling the room as Alice pulls back. I let her go, unable to meet her eyes, unable to look anywhere but my own feet. “I think I’d like a taste of my own.” His whisper sends shivers down my spine, and I finally look up to see my own needy reflection staring back at me in his eyes. 

“I’d like that.” Any fear I had of voicing what I want is gone in the face of the pure want I see in both their eyes. I think it’s time I was selfish, for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last full Chapter. In a couple of hours I'm going to post the other part to this chapter, and that's the current end point for it. In the future, I do really want to either continue it from here, or post an epilogue, but that's all up in the air. You can follow me on tumblr @effervescent-hoe to keep updated on any progress I make, or find out about other fics I have in the works. I'm not done with this pairing, not by a long shot, so keep your eyes peeled.   
> I'm marking this as complete after chapter 6.5 comes out, but when I pick this back up, and get around my brain block, it'll continue here, so subscribing now isn't a totally wasted effort. If a bunch of you subscribe after the last chapter, then I'll know how anticipated it is. Thanks a million


	7. The Sex Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the sex scene. Totally skippable if it's not your deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for now. A huge thanks to everyone who commented, and kudos. Watching the number rise filled me with joy, and all of your lovely comments. I'll be replying to all that I can over the next few days. This is the conclusion to the story in it's current form, but I will be writing either an epilogue or just, continuing the story, at some point. This isn't the last you'll see of them forever.

I don’t have time to blink before Jasper is sweeping my off my feet, my dress trailing down beneath me. His strong hand is warm on my thigh, his other hand gripping the small of my waist. He meets Alice’s eyes behind me, but I can’t look away from him. In a flash he’s racing Alice to the library, moving faster than I’ve seen either of them move. 

“Right. Soundproof.” Jasper doesn’t let me get further than that before he’s changing his hold on me, wrapping my legs around his waist and pressing me back into a wall. I gasp, and he closes in, the controlled look in his eyes melting me even further before his lips are devouring me, all tongue and teeth and gasping moans that I can’t get enough of. One hand is gripping my thigh, sliding further up the more he kisses me, and the other is sliding into my hair, holding me in place when he pulls back. 

“As much as I’d love to keep you all to myself, I don’t think that’s fair to Alice. Do you?” He smirks and raises an eyebrow. I shake my head mutely, trying to catch my breath. “I think we can solve this problem with the table.” I glance over, and Alice is already sitting on the large metal table that’s bolted to the floor, probably for this exact reason. 

“I give her five minutes before she’s begging.” Alice’s smile is evil, a promise she intends to keep. Jasper is setting me on my feet, and I stumble back into him when Alice appears in front of me half a second later. Alice pulls my against her by my waist when our lips meet, and I can’t hold back my desperation. Her waist is so tiny under my hands, delicate and feminine and unlike anyone I’ve ever kissed. Before I can think about it I’m tugging on the delicate ribbon holding her dress together, and it comes apart in my hands. I drag my thumbs up the now exposed skin of her sides, and she shudders under my hands. Her neck is soft and beautiful under my lips, velvet begging to be kissed as she sighs. 

I don’t have the upper hand for long. Jasper’s hands slide up my bare thighs under my dress, only stopping when he meets the edge of my underwear before digging his fingers into the hollow of my hip bones and pulling me backwards into his lap. Alice follows me, pushing me backwards against him. She just watches for a moment while his hands roam under the front of my dress, sliding up my stomach and cupping my breasts. My head falls back against his shoulder with a moan I don’t hold back. 

I can’t look away as Alice’s dress slides down her body. The fabric exposes more of her, and I’m struck with the thought that girls are perfect. She’s left in nothing but the scrap of black lace underwear I’d caught a glimpse of earlier. Jasper distracts me from pulling her on top of me by grinding into my underwear, pulling me back against him with a burst of pleasure. One of his hands stays on my breast, squeezing while Alice slowly, oh so slowly, straddles my waist. She grabs my wrists, pinning me to the arms of the chair as Jasper’s free hand slides down to my hips, holding me against him while he moves his hips. The combined actions pull a moan that’s more of a whine from me. 

“Can you keep your hands right where I put them until I say so?” Alice looks directly into my eyes, cutting me down to my soul. Jasper’s hand is distracting me, his fingertips just playing with the edge of my panties, teasing the thought of diving in. 

“Or what?” I gasp the words out, squirming against Jasper’s hands and lap for more friction. 

“Or it all stops. Instantly.” I think she knows how desperate I am to touch her, how difficult it is for me to keep my hands from her skin, how much more difficult it’ll be while I’m screaming her name. 

“I’ll be good.” I don’t like how needy, submissive the words sound, how truly they echo my feelings. Her mouth twists up into a delighted smirk, and her hands slowly trace up my arm, the sensation light but driving me crazy all the same. When her fingers reach the straps of my dress, she pops them without a care, smoothing her hands over my exposed collarbones and down my chest. Jasper slides his hand away, both of them now teasing the edge of my waistband. Alice deliberates for s second before pulling my dress down and entirely off in a smooth motion. 

I’ve never been so exposed, and my first instinct is to cover myself, but I keep my hands still. I’m held in place by the sight of her looming over me, promise lurking in every look, every action deliberately designed to drive me insane. Alice leans in then, kissing me slowly, purposefully, letting her tongue wander my mouth and linger on my lips, swallowing my moans. 

“Alice, please,” The words are a whine, my hips thrusting up against Jasper’s hands needily. 

“Please, what?” I know she’s enjoying my suffering, the little smirk on her face making it obvious. 

“Please touch me.” My tone is broken, needy, and she gives in at the same time Jasper’s hands are tearing my panties off entirely. Her body presses fully against mine, the friction making my groan quickly turn to a whine. It takes all my willpower to keep my hands to myself when Jasper’s hand finally slides lower, pressed against both me and Alice. 

His finger presses into my clit without moving and I almost sob from the pleasure of it. The tension has built up so far that I can’t take it. I thrust against his hand as Alice grinds down into it, dragging a moan from her that makes my hips jerk. Jasper’s finger starts moving in slow, deliberate circles around my clit until the tension builds to the point I’m not sure if I can stand it any longer and he removes his hand completely. 

“Please let me come.” The words are a desperate sob as his hands move to grip my thighs hard enough to shatter me. Alice grins, sliding down my body until she’s kneeling between my legs. The first press of her tongue against my clit finally sends me over the edge with a scream. The arms of the chair shatter under my grip, and it’s only Jasper’s grip that keeps me from crushing Alice entirely. 

She doesn’t stop. I’m so overstimulated I can’t do anything more than make needy keening noises, but the way her tongue is moving on me, inside me, quickly brings me back to orgasm. When she finally adds fingers I sob from how good it feels. I can’t stop myself from thrusting against her mindlessly, grinding down on Jasper underneath me until she lets me come again moments later. 

“Please. Please fuck me.” My voice is absolutely wrecked, and Alice pulls away, giving me a second to collect myself while she strips the scrap of lace panties that’s already destroyed. 

“I think I’d like to make you suffer just a bit more before that.” Alice’s tone is full of mischief and I groan. “It’s only fair if I also get some, isn’t it?” Alice turns, walking over to the table and bending over it, giving me a full view of her perfect vagina before standing up again, apparently just to tease me. “You’re allowed to touch me now, Bella.” She can’t lay fully on the table before I’m on top of her. My hands are everywhere at once, followed by my lips. When I suck on her nipple, and take it tenderly between my teeth, she finally makes that noise again, so I don’t stop. My lips and tongue worship her nipples while I slide my hands further, over every part of her I can reach until I finally reach between her legs. It’s her turn to moan desperately as I touch her, but I don’t torture her nearly as much as she did me, too enthralled with the noises she’s making and her hands in my hair, tugging and pulling me wherever she wants me to be until I’m kissing down her stomach sloppily, following the trail of my fingers. 

When I’ve finally reached her hips, I feel Jasper’s hands trail down my back. My whole body shudders from how sensitive I am. His hands finally stop on my hips, and I have to make an effort to stay focused on my tongue and fingers inside Alice. The noises she’s making pulls a moan from me, and she shivers from the feeling of it. Jasper’s hands are teasing over my butt before he slides them down, and I can feel his fingers at my entrance, pressing into me. I moan fully against Alice’s clit. She tightens around my fingers, thighs squeezing my head, but I don’t stop when she orgasms. 

My tongue and fingers both stutter when Jasper pulls his fingers out, quickly replacing them inside me with his cock. Alice’s needy growl restarts my motions, and I almost orgasm from the sound of her. “I didn’t say to stop.” The demand in her voice makes me moan against her as Jasper presses into me, overwhelming me with the fullness until his hips are flush against my ass. He pulls back slowly, dragging against me, and I whine, desperately trying to thrust my hips against him but he holds my hips steady. 

His hips snap to mine quickly in the next thrust, and I scream, orgasm ripping through me. Alice is watching me between her legs, watching Jasper fuck me and the way my body tenses fully around him, and the thought of her watching almost makes me orgasm again, my already oversensitive skin turning my moans into needy whines. I let my free hand roam her skin, squeezing and scratching and desperate as I gently suck on her clit, my fingers moving in tandem with Jasper inside me until she’s panting, her moans just as wrecked as the noises I’m making against her skin. Jasper is squeezing my hips hard enough to break me, his other hand on my overstimulated clit until I cry out against Alice, my moan mostly a sob. Alice comes apart underneath me, thighs suffocating me and hands denting the metal table with her grip.

We’re both coming down my our orgasm when I feel Jasper pull out. I can hear one hand on his cock, feel the head pressed against my ass and leaking when he finally orgasms with a deep groan. Come splatters my back but not even a second later I feel the soft fabric of his shirt on my skin, cleaning me up. It’s all I can do with my arms to hold myself upright on my hands and knees while Alice disentangles herself from me, movements sloppy. My entire body is jello, putty in Jasper’s hands as he pulls me from the position and into his lap on a nearby couch. Alice is cleaning up around us, but I don’t take in any of it. 

“You did very well.” Jasper’s voice is soft in my ear, and I almost sob from the relief of it, burying my face in his shoulder. His hands are soft on my back, calm washing over me in waves. The adrenaline crash is almost more than I can handle, but Jasper is making soft noises as I come back down to earth. His skin is warm against my cheek on his chest, and I close my eyes, letting him take care of me. If I could cry, tears would be rolling down my face. The noise of Alice flitting around the room stops, and I hear the door, but she’s back before I can panic. 

“Hey, baby. You did wonderful.” Alice is next to us now, pressing a kiss to my forehead and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “You were perfect. Put on this robe, and we’ll go up and watch something.” 

Jasper releases me for long enough that I can slide my arms through the robe Alice brought. I notice she’s wearing a comfy looking pair of pajamas, and wonder idly when she had time to change into them before dismissing it. Alice wraps the fluffy robe around me the rest of the way, and Jasper scoops me up, running me upstairs bridal style. 

When we get to the room, the rest of the house is weirdly quiet, but I try not to think too hard about it. Alice puts on a cooking show in the background, something quiet that I ignore easily as Jasper settles me on the edge of the bed. Alice disappears into the closet and returns with my favorite pair of pajamas from home. My limbs are still shaky, but I change into them easily enough. I climb into the middle of the bed, and they join me on either side, both pressed comfortably against me. Alice’s arm wraps around my waist, and Jasper’s around my shoulders. The feeling of contentment that settles over me is hard to ignore. This definitely feels like where I belong.


End file.
